Spaces Between Us- Hold All Our Secrets (ZARRY AU)

So you like players Harry? (9)

Zayn's POV

Overlooked guilt,

nagging at my consciousness,

telling me to stop,

telling me to quit,

before I will have fallen too far.

A scolding mind,

not letting me forget,

telling me to stay hurt,

telling me to be miserable,

reminding me every day,

of what I have done.

Weighed out the options.

gonna follow my intuition,

keep on lying to myself,

keep on deceiving my mind

until eventually I'd believe

that what I was doing,

is okay.

I was sitting on a bench outside on our campus, staring at what I just had written down in my book. The book that meant the most to me. My lyric-book. It basically contained all of my thoughts, written down in form of poems, songs or sometimes even just as some kind of diary-entrances.

It all had started in jail. Being captured and living in a cell had driven me crazy. Especially in the beginning. I had felt so much anger, hatred and disappointment towards myself, wanting nothing but just end it all. But that would have meant I was weak. That would have meant I wasn't strong enough to fight. And my mom had taught me to be a fighter.
So I had shoved these thoughts aside, deciding to suffer and survive this dull life I had forced on me. In the beginning I didn't even had a roommate, Liam came way later. I was on my own for the first time and I was scared, fucking terrified, of what was about to happen, terrified of myself.

That all had led up to me writing. Just scrabbling down every crazy shit that crossed my mind. I had never really noticed how expressive poems were and how much important feelings they evoked in their readers. But more importantly, how deliberating it was, to let it all out. I hadn't had anyone to talk to. And at some point, I had been so desperate that I had even talked to myself, I knew I would totally lose it, if didn't change anything.

In some sort of way, writing had become my savior, my refuge, my shelter. It had made me stronger and partially eased the aching pain in my heart.

It wasn't able though to oust the guilt I carried. And it probably would never be able to. But it was enough. Enough to survive.

Feeling better now that I had written down my thoughts, I inhaled deeply, still feeling like I had made the wrong choice, then hesitantly grabbed my phone, looking for Harry's contact. My fingers were literally shaking, while I tried to type the right thing.

'Cause I'm fucked and I want ya, I can't even text ya
'Cause my fingers ain't working, but my heart is

In my head I already thought of new lyrics to write down. I swear in every moment my mind just randomly starting thinking poetically.

After trying my best to get the right formulation, I finally clicked on sent, letting out a deep breath, I didn't know I had been holding.

Not wanting to just stare at my phone, I made my way back inside, deciding I had some homework to do.