I have nothing to apologize for. Some people just have this thing where they must apologize for everything, whether it's their fault or someone else's. I was one of those people. I'd say sorry if I needed to borrow a dollar from my mom or if my sister was brutally honest with someone (she always is). These things are nothing to apologize for. I did nothing wrong. I was put into the hospital two years ago and instead of saying "I'll get better and be on my way" I said sorry. I apologized for making a mistake and for falling down. I didn't care about getting better, I cared about forgiveness. But the thing is, people get sad when they aren't forgiven. Why do we feel the need to apologize for every little thing? Why do we apologize and then get mad when someone doesn't accept the apology? Why do we apologize when we do something so horrible and then expect someone to forgive us? I think it's the most ridiculous concept, but yet we are human, and it can't be stopped. I've gotten into fights before, and I've had to be the bigger person.
One time I got into a fight with my eldest sister because she didn't call my step dad on Father's Day. She was immature about it and instead of apologizing (such irony) and going about her business she shot back at me and made things worse. I was around 15 and she was about 25, and she should have taken the step because she was older and considered more mature. But she refused to talk to me. So after about a week I had to call her and apologize and she took that for granted. She told me to tell her that she was the best sister in the world and all of that. To put it simply, she milked it. Why do we feel the need to take a mile when someone gives us an inch?
These questions bug me daily, and I wish somebody would just come up to me and spontaneously answer all of these questions in my head. But of course they won't, so I'm stuck figuring these ridiculous things out alone. I'll admit, I've refused to accept apologies, and I've refused to give apologies in the past. Usually when I refuse to give an apology, I end up breaking and I'll apologize anyways. It's just in my nature to want everyone to like me and think I'm a good person, and if that means apologizing for something I didn't do, then so be it. The worst thing is not being forgiven. You put yourself out there, you become so vulnerable, and then you get shut down. I believe in second chances with most things (absolutely not cheating), but not third and fourth chances. But that also makes me a hypocrite, because I constantly am giving out eighth and ninth chances, and that's not even an exaggeration. I hold this high expectation that anyone can change, and it's a huge disappointment when I realize they won't and I finally get rid of them. But being forgiven is a good feeling. The scariest feeling, though, is knowing that that person who forgave you is now fully trusting you that you won't hurt them or betray them again. And if you mess up again, that trust will most likely be fully blown.
