AMARANTHINE| Love Unveiled (BWWM)

Ch 31.) How It Settles

"Do you hate him now?"

God no, I wish to say.

God no, there's just no way, no way I could ever hate him. I'm just confused and a bit tired is all. Sort of feeling as though I'm on the fence, you know. And I am; in my strength. Every day I get up surviving for someone else other than myself, believing things will get better. For someone else other than myself: that kind of strength. I dream most days of being a raven, flying through the early mornings of London. Coated in shiny sleek black, riveting form and stance. Above the sky and above the world. That everything else was so small and not my own. I dream of a little girl whose world was her oyster, whose mother was kind and strong and there always. Who wore a bright blue dress and ran around as if she were floating. And smiled like she would not ever, ever be sad.

But you can not take any shape my little girl whispers to me now. You cannot float above the world, see the green of leaves as bright, the rise of sun as hope, you can not taste a change of time, you cannot brush the skin of love without kissing the cold lips of chaos.

You just cant she says.

And you can't hate him. You cannot hate him ever. Ever.

It's not fair is it? That shadow leaking into your lap, burying your waning heart. It is so warm and so so tempting, but buries upturned needles on your seats. It takes away a shape that cannot find a coven. A little girl who smiles, a mother who's always there. A lover who is not in sufferance. A woman... in bliss.

It takes away, away... away. And it returns nothing back.

It is not fair is it?
I have watched for days now. Like he is glass. I watch him, I look at him from a far and I curse my heart each moment. I bask in his smile, I hold it in not knowing which one will be the last. I think of ways to lie, I think of ways to truth. I think of these things and... not yet have found an answers been clear.

If I lost Micheal, I will have lost a limb.
When I do lose him, I will feel my soul break.
I don't know how to explain how I feel when asked. On the outside, I look weak, and tired and mournful.
But inside, my heart is up in flames. I have rage painted thick red with tiger stripes of black rumbling in my soul.
How do I explain this anger to someone without sounding dangerous or threatening; without admitting I wish to do something with it every waking moment I am left alone with it.
And those have been many moments now.

My necklace which Anyannas made to suppress the development of my abilities, has a tiny crack in it now. I have felt the magic in it weaken and the magic within me thicken.

It's not an easy thing to contain nor feel, nor describe.

But I do not hate Nick.
I just... love my family far more than I could ever love him.

I hope every day that he's okay but right now, Micheal needs me without the weight of whatever darkness Nick has entangled with him. He drowns and I drown and I thought it'd be fine, I thought I could handle it but once it extands past me to my family and friends.

It becomes clear what I must and mustn't do.

I can't have both. I had to chose one.

"No..." I whisper to Dad cover my cold fingers with my sweaters sleeves. They have gotten skinner over the past two weeks. And they shake at random times. My sleepless body always more awake than my mind, on edge and afraid of the next attack, the next dream to be not a dream. The next warning sitting like shards in an open diary.
There is no rest; only a marathon with no end.

No end...

"Do you?" I ask him. He sits across me on the couch, stares loosely out into the open air before him. The tv is on but mute and Mom is in the kitchen preparing tea for us both.