Shards (a.i.)

I. Crashing

After two days constantly not eating I decided I had to eat something. 

I stood up and walked to the kitchen where I found an apple in the basket which was unusual as my mum didn't really have time to go shopping.

My parents hadn't spoken to each other for about two years and my mum was rarely at home. When she was, she would sit on her own in her bedroom, crying over her fucked up life, totally forgetting over her daughter. The other time she would go to work. She was a doctor and earned enough money to feed the whole state. My dad on the other side was a complete loser. He hadn't end school and didn't go to college. He wanted to be a singer but didn't succeed. When he was 20 years old he met my mum who was 19 at the time. She just had ended school and already went to college for two months. Sometimes she would tell me about how they fell in love and if it hadn't ended so bad it would have been the love story Hollywood always tells. She went to a bar. My dad played the guitar and sang her favorite song. Show must go on by Queen and he wasn't that bad. She fell in love and after his show they met and went on dates and lived happily ever after. Nope, cut out the happily ever after, please.

My mum got a doctor, a very talented doctor. And my dad? He tried to earn money by playing little shows in bars waiting for a record contract but he never got one. While my mum got bigger and bigger my dad lost all his hope in life and sometimes he held my mum responsible for being the loser he was. To rescue their love my dad proposed to my mum and it seemed like they worked it all out. My mum and dad married, she took his last name and one month after the wedding my mum was pregnant with me. I was born and grew up with a loving and caring family. Until one point at my life, when I was 15 years old. I came home to the sound of crying. I was used to the little fights my parents would get into but when I saw their wedding photo broken to pieces, I knew it got to different level. A dangerous one. I put my bag into my room and called for my mum. When she didn't answer I followed the sound of crying and I was right. My mum sat on the bathroom floor and her hand was covered in blood. "Mom, what happened?", I asked her and she just started to cry even more. "I..I..I cut my hand and he... he left and I don't know what to do now.", she told me and I gave her a tissue to put on her hand so the wound would stop bleeding. "I'm going to get you a plaster and dad is an asshole. He did terrible things and if he's gone it's better for the both of us. He lied to you and cheated. You deserve better and I think we can do this.", I told her and she nodded.

Well, I can do this, not her. She still cried and I had to do this on my own. Sometimes I wished I had a big brother or sister who would take care of me when mum couldn't. Who would let me cry into their shoulder and hold me really close. But I was an only child so I had to do this on my own and from a different person's view I didn't do very well. When my dad went, I gor depressed. It wasn't that bad but it really hurt sometimes. Some friends left over the years and some stayed. One time I was called a 'psycho' ´, the next time 'fat' and it goes on and on. I didn't mind anymore. At the beginning it hurt but I got used to it and just let them live their lives.

Sometimes those voices in my head would call me fat and like two days before, I listened to them and stopped eating until today. I didn't count calories or went on diets or anything, I just stopped.

My baddest habit was cutting. For me cutting was like revealing my inner thoughts on my outside. I definitely didn't do it for any attention because the only way you're doing it for attention is when you show everybody your cuts and I tried to hide them in any way. I may have told you it didn't bother me what those kids said or say but let's reveal the truth: Everybody is hurt my anybody. 

You can't try and lie to yourself. It bothers you when someone talks bad about you and it also bothers you when you're called names in front of everyone. My whole life was a lie and I just wanted to end school in a good way and leave this town. My dreams were big but I have a plan B and C if it didn't work.

Dream: I always wanted to be a singer like my dad. I hate him but we shared the same passion.

Plan B: Study marine biology and do whatever comes after that.

Plan C: Study History and be a History teacher.

I didn't have a plan C, so if I'd fail everything, I wouldn't know what to do.

I knew, I wouldn't be a singer, so I tried my very best to be good in most of my subjects. 

But back to now.

I grabbed the apple and went back to my room, took my laptop and got on tumblr. I answered a few messages and reblogged some pictures and texts. If you wondered, I don't have a tumblr with depressive stuff. Of course, sometimes I would reblog sad things but never pictures of cutting or starving.

After what seemed like hours(it was one hour), I switched the laptop off, showered and put on my pajamas. I tried to sleep but I lay awake for almost one hour before I drifted off.

Next day

"Wake up Alexa, you have to go to school today.", my mum said. I opened my eyes and saw my mum looking down at me with pity in her eyes. "I know, I know. I didn't like to wake up for school too, but you have to get up now. ", she said again and I wondered why she suddenly appeared in my bedroom. Normally she wouldn't care if I woke up or not. "You wonder why I wake you up today, don't you?", she declared and I nodded weakly. I wasn't fully awake so I didn't really catch what she was telling me. "I'm going to a psychologist for almost three weeks now and I guess it really helped me. I know, it comes suddenly but in my last session she told me that if I didn't want to lose you, I had to take care of you. I'm such an awful mother and I understand if you don't accept my apology but if you don't mind I'll drive you to school and later we can go to the park where we used to go and talk about everything. I'm so sor-", she said but couldn't finnish her sentence. She was crying and now I was fully awake. Yes, she isn't at home very often and she cries alot about my dad but she had days when everything was fine. When I could finally breathe again. She took me to the ice cream shop and we talked a lot. Not about my problems (She knows nothing) but about other things like the weather or a movie I wanted to watch or a new band I found. 

"Mum, everything is okay. I'm so proud you're going to the psychologist and I really hope it helps you. I love you mum and if you change maybe we can catch up. I know I did things wrong too and maybe I should have helped you more but I didn't know how. I'm so sorry mum.", I said but she looked so confused that I wondered if I had something in my face.

"I know that you're doing it, Alex.", she said.

"What do you know?", I asked but wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

"I know, Alexa, that you're cutting.", she said.

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I know, I know. CLICHÉ BUT IDC! 

This chapter was all about her back story and her relationship to her mum etc.

I portray Alexa as Alexandra Daddario and her mum as Ashley Judd :)

I hope you liked it ♥