Shards (a.i.)

II. Panic

Save me from myself,

Don't let me drown.

-Drown, BMTH

I stared at her in disbelief. I tried go let her words sink in but I couldn't. Suddenly I started to cough and I couldn't breathe anymore. It felt, like I was having a panic attack.

"Alex, breathe. It's going to be okay. You just have to breathe. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tried to talk to you about this now. Just breathe Sweetie.", she said.

Sweetie

She hasnt called me Sweetie since I was 13. I tried to breathe in and out. Nothing else, just breathing in and out. You're going to do this. You can beat the panic attack.

My lungs filled with oxygen and I finally could breathe again.

"Mum, I'm so sorry. I...I didn't mean to hurt you.", I whispered.

"Alex, it's alright. In some ways I understand you. I know about many kids from the hospital. I also know you won't be able to stop just now but I hope that I can help you. You're worth it and I'm sorry I didn't see it before.", she told me and hugged me. I looked down and started to cry. It was liken all the pain I had ever held in, suddenly wanted to come out. My mum hugged me even stronger and after a few minutes of sitting there, cuddled together like nothing could ever tear us apart, she let go, stood up and smiled down at me.

"Now Alex, you should probably get ready so I can drive you to school.", she said and I smiled back. She left my room and I was welcomed with the cold again. I took my favourite sweater and a pair of skinny jeans and went into the bathroom.

After that, I went into the kitchen and made myself some cornflakes. My nun stood there with a cheese sandwich in her hand and laughed silently when I began to chew.

We looked at each other and smiled. It wasn't very often that we just stood there without ignoring or screaming at each other.

"Oh shit, it's already 8:07 am.", I said and put the empty bowl in the sink. I quickly brushed my teeth because I absolutely hated brushing my teeth before the breakfast, took my bag and put on my favourite pair of boots. They were beautiful and comfortable at the same time.

The bus came at 8:20 and I had to walk about 2-3 minutes first. I got into the bus and looked around for my best friend Sophie. She sat in the last row and beside her was a empty seat.

"Hey Alex.", she said and smiled. I smiled and greeted her:"Hey Sophie" We hugged and she immediately asked me if I had brought her the book, I promised I would give to her.

"I have it. Calm down!", I told her because she already got that look in her eyes that said: Omg give me the book! Now!

I gave her my copy of Allegiant and she hugged me. "Thank you so much! I can't wait to read it.", she said. "Believe me, when you read the end, you want to throw the book into the corner and kill everyone around you.", I told her, not wanting to spoil the end because I knew she would probably flip out once she reads the end. "What is going to happen?", she asked. Now I got her attention...

"Believe me, you don't want to know and I won't tell you! Now shut up.", I said and she pouted. "No, there's no way, I'm telling you what's gonna happen. You have to find out yourself!", I said but she asked again. "Okay, so in the end-", I began but was cut off by a screaming Sophie:"Okay, okay! Don't spoil please."

I grinned and we talked about some movies and some books and I told her about some bands I liked even though she didn't really care because she wasn't into music that much. 8 stations and 7 books mentioned later we got off the bus and walked for 5 minutes until we got to our highschool. Once I was in there, hoping this horrible Tuesday wouldn't take too much time, my name was shouted.

"Alex! Where were you yesterday?", Lydia, a very good friend of mine asked. "I wasn't feeling well and asked the teacher if I could go home but it was nothing serious. Just a headache.", I said and smiled. Little did she know I had a panic attack which let to not being able to breathe and into fainting. But I didn't tell her.

There were things I wanted to tell her. But I knew they would hurt her. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.

First I had biology and I always liked animals and plants and everything that comes with it, so it wasn't that hard. Second I had English which wasn't that bad either. Then a shirt break, I spend with Sophie, Lydia and some other people. I never told them anything too important. I didn't know whether they'd care or not I couldn't risk trusting people and then seeing them leaving me. I had a tough life already, I didn't need my friends to leave me.

"Hey, fat hippo. Please stop buying food for yourself. Maybe you can keep the money you didn't spend on not needed food and buy new clothes with it. Yours are extremely ugly.", a voice said, I had hoped, I could forget for at least one day.

"I have more money than you will ever make working by having sex with old men.", I said and left Jenna standing there with her mouth hanging wide open.

What the heck did I just do?

•••

Yey or nay?
Dedication goes to one of my best friends, oh and happy birthday again... Like the 4th time today lol thanks for explains maths to me even when my brain was left with 0% activity.

If ash followed me I'd run down the street screaming 'I just had ...' Bc his follow would be literally the same...

-Becky