I've gotten a weird notification on my phone today. It was a Snapchat one.
The one who had sent me a snap was Mike. And guess what it was?
It was him scoring a #1 Victory Royale, with the caption "haha lmao epic gamur move 😎😎😎😎😎"
I felt something go up my stomach, it was the goddamn Subway sandwich I had eaten for lunch prior. The disgusting snap I got from Mike had caused me to vomit my precious, precious Subway sandwich.
Absolutely unforgivable, but it had registered in my mind that this was, in fact, another symptom of his disease. Whatever disease it may be, it was definitely far from cancer, because cancer does not infect other people from simple physical contact.
When I opened my Facebook account that day, I had been met with nothing but chaos;
Everything I saw on my news feed consisted of Mike, nothing but him posting his wins on Fortnite. All with captions that consisted of "i'm a pro epic gamer 😎😎😎" or something similar. Sometimes the captions just consisted of the Sunglasses Emoji. I decided to block him on every social media for the time being until I can find something to deal with his sickness.
When I saw him the next day, he looked horrible.
He had significantly gained a lot of weight. He smelled like he had been staying in his mom's basement all day. He was holding what seems to be a jar of "Gamer Girl Bath Water". I had also noticed that he had grown a neckbeard. And anytime I tried to be rational with him, all he did was autistically screech at me. Not to mention, he was wearing a fedora and had greeted me by tipping it. He looked exactly like the goddamn people I see whenever I go to Smash Tournaments.
Yet, he also acted like the children who played the game. The autism, the need to ask for the credit card numbers of people's mothers, "flexing" (That's what he called it, it's another word for showing off) his wins on social media. I had theorized that whatever this disease that Mike has, it must have been the same disease that had killed all those children.
As it was entirely new, it didn't have a name yet. That was when Mike told me:
"Joe, I think I have Ligma."
Ligma. That was it. I had heard that word somewhere online, people would joke about it being a disease. Naïvely laughing at the word, thinking it wasn't a real thing. But they were wrong. They were very, very wrong.
None of them knew how dangerous it really is.
Soon, everyone will know of the dangers of Ligma. And I'll make sure no one will make the same mistakes ever again.
I, Dr. Joe Mamah, have been completely drained by this study. But I am happy to report that the disease had finally revealed its identity to me.
Dr. Joe Mamah, signing out.
