Behind the Scenes of an Eating Disorder

Intro

My name is Maddy Merrill, and I have anorexia. Even though I have anorexia I am not anorexic, because my eating disorder doesn't define me, and yours doesn't either. It is a constant struggle every single day, and I feel hopeless. It feels like my ED is my only friend and that it will always have my back. Except for the fact that it doesn't. Ever since the beginning of 2019, I felt so lonely and like I didn't have anyone. I lost so many friends and I thought I didn't deserve to have friends because I am a horrible friend. I wanted to write about my experience because I wanted people to know that you aren't alone. I am here for you, and I promise you can overcome it. 

Eating disorders are the deadliest mental illness. People don't think they are a big issue and make fun of them. Last year I wanted to die. I thought being skinny and pretty was more important than living life. I hated myself and I thought it was ok if I did die and I didn't think anybody would actually care if I did. I completely lost myself. I felt alone and hopeless. Dying seemed like the best option but I didn't tell anyone that.

At school I tried to put a smile on and act happy because I knew others had it worse than I did. But, it was hard. Sometimes I would just get home from school, go up to my room, and cry. About nothing. I still haven't overcome my anorexia just yet but I try so hard to be honest and show people the true me because I was so fake. I tried to put on a mask and I tried to make everyone like me. But at the point, I already lost everyone.

Every time I looked in the mirror or ate something all I would hear in my head is, "You're so ugly", "Why are you eating that", "Fatass", "Nobody will like you looking like that fatty", "You are worthless", "Stop eating".

"Life would be better if you weren't in it"