Nothing but the truth.

5

The next day, I was so excited to go to school again. Just knowing that I could see Rian's face again gave me hope. I wore a black cardigan with black skinny jeans, but I was a bit hesitant to do so because the sleeves didn't cover my wrists, and my wrists were like an artist's canvas, but I didn't use a paintbrush. I used a razor blade. Yes, I cut. I cut because I knew that I was worth absolutely nothing. I couldn't make a difference in the world, ever. I was hurt, deep inside. I had an empty void inside me, and I didn't know how to fill it, so I just cut more voids into my skin, hoping for relief. Seeing my own blood didn't faze me anymore. I didn't feel alive anyway. Anyway, I covered up my wrists with some bracelets and went to school. 

Rian had started to run his hand down my arms every time he saw me now. It was childish and immature, but I loved that side of him. I think deep down inside, he knew I was hurting, and he was just trying to help. 

At the end of the day, we walked out of school together. I was silent. Rian looked down into my eyes with a empathetic look on his face. 

"Tell me what's wrong, please."

He said in a deep, warm voice.

"Nothing. I swear, I'm fine. '

I replied quietly.

"Maybe you just need a hug."

He whispered softly into my ear. I thought he was kidding, but he reached his dark, tanned arms around my body and pulled into a warm embrace. He smelled of deep spices and vanilla musk. I was never a person too intent upon hugs, but that day changed my viewpoint on them forever. It felt like a heaven I had never experienced before. 

When I got home, I realized how stupid I was for letting myself feel emotions for Rian. I don't let myself get attached to people, because when you let yourself depend upon other people, then you'll be depressed when they let you down. So I trained myself to feel no emotion. But that day, all the emotions had came flooding back into my heart and mind. I loved Rian, and that wasn't okay. I had to stop immediatly. I became so frustrated with the fact that I was feeling again, I knew I had to punish myself. I got out my blades and went to work. I knew that Rian would never feel the same way anyway. Who in their right mind would like a chubby, short, alcoholic, depressed girl. Not someone like Rian. He was untouchable. I carved the usual words into my thighs..... Ugly, fat, alone, pathetic, loser, unloved, hurt and freak. They were all true. Seeing the scarlet blood seep down my legs gave me a strange sense of relief, knowing that if I hurt myself, no one else could. I didn't even cry. I didn't cry anymore. It had become obselete. My wrists dripped blood onto my carpet, which I didn't even bother to clean up. I just laid there in the fetal position, waiting for sleep that wouldn't come.