(i wrote this around last year bc of a girl who broke my heart, but I'm better now so don't worry!)
It's hard when she asks me why I hate it there, then she mentions you. Of all the kids she couldve mentioned, she had to mention you. I can't tell her though, I know what she'll think, what she'll say, she won't understand.
It's hard, because I know I don't feel for you anymore, yet the pain is still there. My heart used to beat with the power of a million horses in your presence, now it's just dead around you, no rythm, no beat. Your green eyes still haunt me, I used to look into them and fall for you deeper, now I can hardly remember the shade. I used to think of you each day and night. You would creep into my mind and stay there, lingering like a ghost while I thought of every detail about you, Now I sometimes forget you exist. The urge to run my fingers through your reddish brown hair was so hard to fight back, and most of the time, I would let that urge take over. Now I try to avoid you as much as possible. Why does your hair have to be that color? It reminds me of the fall, which is my favorite season. I remember when your laugh was like a gorgeous symphony, one that I had never heard before, but I could listen to it for years, like the most beautiful and breath-taking sound to ever graze my ears. Now, it just sounds flat, and repetitive, like a broken record, being played again and again, like a song you once loved that you now despise from having heard it too many times. I couldve drowned in the euphoria you gave me, the undying happiness I felt around you, I loved it, and a part of me misses it, and still feels that, but I suppress it. I can't fall for you again.
Heh, I even remember the way you would smile and how I would subconsciously smile when you did. How that smile grew to be my comfort. Now it blends in with the other trillion smiles I've seen in my lifetime, it no longer has that magic, but yet, it still does. The hardest part? How having you in my arms was the only time I knew I was actually happy. How gentle and relaxed you seemed, like I was a pillow and you liked laying on me. Now it's just a flourish of quick hugs and us never doing that anymore.
You were like a long gaping hole in the road that would lead me to still feeling those things. And I wouldn't be so fragile still from the last breaking of my thin, glass heart. I was stupid enough to fall into the hole that was you, and I let myself be swallowed up by your charm. Thats just the thing about you, everyone fell for you, everyone loves you, that's just how charming you were. You were innocent and fun, like a child's laughter. You don't know how bad you hurt me, but yet and still you knew how I felt. You're not the only one to break this thing I call a heart, but you were the worst. I soaked in the love I had for you, the moment I laid eyes on you, before I even knew your name or your story, I fell. I was stupid, I still am stupid, I'm young and dumb and worst of all I keep falling in love with people who will never love me back. And that's an even worse pain than being stabbed, if actually prefer that over it.
You were a candle in the darkness, my only light, now, you're the darkness love.
Do I still love you? Yes
Am still in love with you? Maybe
Do I hate you? Maybe
Do I feel empty? Always
Do I still want you? Probably
My heart won't answer me, or maybe I'm just in denial
But I will not fall into the hole that is you again, I will not drown in my love for you, I will not succumb to the want for you or your charm again. You broke me time and time again, you picked up all my pieces, you put me up just to bring me down. I don't know if you're evil, or just clueless and oblivious.
But no matter how much I might come to despise you, even if you leave that bittersweet taste in my mouth. There will always be that part of me, that part of me that still gets lost in those green eyes. Who's heart still races like a heard of a million horses in your presence, who's mind still thinks of you each night and day. A part of me that still thinks your laugh is like a beautiful symphony, that still wants to hold you and run my fingers through your autumn like hair, that still wants to be near you every second. A part of me that is still dumb and in love with you, infatuated with you.
But the rest of me? Wants to start over, I will get my re-do, I will get to be happier hopefully. But I can't, not with you still there, not with the ghost of you still haunting me, I can't.
This is goodbye my love.
