From the Outside

Chapter Four \\ Unconfident

"Often it's the deepest pain

that empowers you to be your highest self"

-Ivy Carter-

A few long queues and an unbelievably long plane journey later, I arrived. I had calmed down slightly from my dispute with my mother and felt a surge of energy as I swept through customs. The mere prospect of this new country, this new beginning sent jolts of excitement through my whole body.

From what I have seen and heard of London, everything seemed so different. The whole atmosphere seemed to scream of possibilities and adventures waiting to happen, perhaps they were waiting for me.  I was trying to stay positive, but there was this small, familiar voice in the back of my head:

"What are you even doing here? No-one wants you. Darren only agreed to let you stay with him out of pity, he doesn't love you - nobody does.T urn around, get back on the plane, go back to hiding yourself from the world, it's better off without you"

My almost steady hand flew to my chest, grasping for the small pendant that always hung around my neck. When my fingers didn't instantly close around the metal shape my heart skipped a beat. I froze in my tracks, my fingers searching for the dirty gold locket that Ialways wore, one of my only possessions that connected me with him.  Still not finding it, I looked down, my eyes searching as my chest began to pound. Where was it? If I had left my locket on the plane, I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through this. 

After emptying my carry on luggage and hunting for my locket in every place imaginable, I gave up. Sinking to the floor in the middle of the crowded arrivals lounge. My heads began to swirl. As my vision began to cloud with tears, I began to realise what I had gotten myself into. I wasn't ready to be alone, I could barely leave the house at home, and know I was expected to live in a foreign country, knowing no one but Darren, who probably hated me. I knew he wouldn't want me, no one ever does.

As my dark thoughts began to take over my body, and my mind started to spiral out of control, I began to feel my chest getting tight, restricting my breath. My head pounded harder and I began to feel myself losing control. I could feel people looking at me, and I willed them to stop, praying that they would try to avert their eyes. I was used to having panic attacks at home due to my anxiety, but they had never been this bad before. I felt useless as I started to whimper, every inch of my body aching to be somewhere safe, anywhere but here. 

The longer I sat on the floor, the more I regretted my decision, and the more the tears flowed. I shook with fear, when would this awful feeling end? My dad used to calm me down from my anxiety attacks, but obviously that couldn't happen anymore, so I had learnt to deal with them myself. But this time was different. I didn't know how. I was drowning and I couldn't remember how to swim. 

I glanced upwards, to find my eyes latching onto a pair of suprisingly familliar blue orbs, his intense stare boring into my soul. 

A/N One directions music is on point, we literally love it so much!  Hopefully this isn't moving too quickly, we will be updating soon with a longer chapter. But it's starting to get a lot more intersting, finally something is happening.

LR X