Joy of Missing Out

Chapter 4: Stop the tape and rewind

I used to think my heart couldn't survive a whole day of crying. I might've cried because of love before but crying for love is so much more difficult. I had love and was recently just denied the right to it. I tried to understand why they considered loving a boy my biggest sin. Surely I couldn't beat their arguments by admitting to once stealing a candy bar from a shop. For a while, Louis and I had too much on our plates to think this through and talk about it. Summer of 2011 was wild. We recorded and released our first album and returned to my stepdad's house in Manchester to film our documentary. The promotional tour for it was sick and we saw our fandom grow insanely fast. In our personal lives, it had been months since Louis and I started living together but it's in November you could finally say the apartment was starting to come together. All our furniture finally arrived so no room echoed to the sound of Louis' laugh, which was unfortunate. And he finally cooked me the meal he promised almost a year before.

Mom taught me two most important things – everyone cries and everyone must be treated with kindness. Ironically, she was also the first to publicly shame me on Twitter for thinking it was Wednesday on a Tuesday. I could've tweeted a rude response, but I decided not to. Nothing but love for my mother. On such a day, Louis brought me a cup of tea in bed, sat next to me and joined in what was probably going to become a Twitter feud had I not had more important things on my mind.

"So who's the girl?" I asked.

Louis looked away for a moment then replied quietly, "They actually think Eleanor is the best choice."

"She's a nice girl."

Silence ensued as we looked at each other. Tears filled my eyes. It finally hit me that from now on he would be holding someone else's hand in public and, when they asked us if we're single, he'll have the answer ready while I'm beating myself trying not to mess it all up. Interviewers inquiring about that would only put Louis and me in a sentence when they ask how he met his girlfriend. I'd say I introduced them and then question ever telling the management about her. Come to think of it, it's better that way. At least we know she won't be a nuisance because I know the kind of person she is. But still, she'll do what I'm not allowed to and she'll kiss who I can't.

When he saw my face he touched it and put his head on my chest. "Don't let it break your heart."

"Well...it'll heal with time."

In the hours we spent cuddled up on our bed, I felt too numb for my body to become numb. For a while I pretended I was asleep. In the meanwhile, I heard Louis sobbing, still positioned on my chest. He must've heard my heart begin to beat wildly fast so he looked up but I kept my eyes closed. He turned around and lay on a pillow. As if it was a reflex move, I turned sideways and wrapped my arms around his waist. I was willing to give up my preferred position for him to feel safe and loved.

We didn't break up that day, nor anytime in the next few months while Louis paraded his new girlfriend to the world. But things changed and, as much as they tried to, we didn't change.

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I tried so hard not to include the theory that Eleanor is actually Tina or that she has a twin sister and so on, so I only mentioned her name once. While there's so many reasons to believe that relationship is fake, it's too much of a theory rather than a fact. We've seen Larry be so obvious through years - and I don't want to start a discussion whether they're in a relationship, married or engaged - so we don't deny that, at least not whoever many people read this. I couldn't find a way to include AIMH tweet. I know that's more important than these random November tweets, but it's when Eleanor and Louis 'started dating' so I wanted to describe the change in their lives. And I could've made this chapter much longer and with more dialogue, but hear me out. I think you can imagine them not really fighting about this as they don't have a say while under a contract with such a big team of morons. They probably did what they could - cry, laugh it out, cry again, and finally go with it.

Q: How would you describe Elounor in one word?