Joy of Missing Out

Chapter 14: Just hold on

I had never heard such silence at a venue. It's like everyone was trying to be respectful by not talking too loud or not talking at all. Backstage is always where you go absolutely wild before you pull yourself together and go on stage. Liam, Niall and I arrived together at Wembley, not to perform together but to see Louis perform and support him. Besides the three of us, all his family was there, a few of our friends, and Danielle.

We didn't get to see Louis before his performance. When we arrived, he was already making his way to the stage, waiting to be announced. We gathered around a TV, standing because there were few seats. My heart started pounding when his name was called out. I was stupid to doubt his strength when he needed to do this for his mom. However, physically and emotionally, he was fragile.

With each day since Johannah's health worsened I saw him refuse to eat and stay up with her barely conscious instead of sleeping through the night when there was always someone from the family with her. We kind of teased him for being incredibly close with his mother, but I'm sure everyone who had ever joked about that was shamefully sorry to see him in this condition. He looked as devastated as any kid losing a parent, times ten.

Had it been a ballad I might've actually died of pain. For a brief moment, I looked at the others to see if they were having the same reaction. A few people tried to conceal their desire to dance along. The rest stood still with their eyes fixed at the TV. Everyone who knew him well was already crying. Once the song ended I was the first to start sobbing then applaud. He blew a kiss to the sky. I didn't hold it in. I burst into tears when I saw him tear up. I couldn't bear to see him so upset. Liam put his arm around me to comfort me but I didn't need it the most. On the other side of the room, Daisy and Phoebe were hugging their father and Lottie and Fizzy each other. Just as I was approaching them, Louis and Steve came in to a loud applause.

He went straight to me as if taking no notice of everyone else in the room.

"I really wanted you to come," he whispered as we hugged.

"Of course. Always."

I think our long hug made everyone uncomfortable. I could clearly see Danielle's discomfort from behind Louis but I wasn't going to be the first one to let go. I wanted a hug from him but he needed one from me more. I kissed his forehead quickly as we separated and he went on to give Liam and Niall a hug, then an inevitable one to Danielle. I heard her call him 'baby' more than enough times and just enough times for me to get jealous.

Around seven weeks prior to our latest encounter I broke up with Louis. When One Direction went on a hiatus the two of us kind of stayed apart as well, but never not seeing one another for more than two weeks. In the summer, Johannah started feeling very poorly. Louis and I spent a lot of time in Doncaster, but while I hung around with the family he went out with his friends a lot. He knew what was coming and was consequently acting accordingly – quite strange. Unlike the previous year, Louis actually went clubbing by his choice and always returned with the strangest attitude. When it became unbearable I had to act on it and we broke up for the first time. Yet, this didn't change anything in the weeks to come. I was present whenever I was needed for emotional support. I spent Jay's last days in the hospital and on this planet there with him. I offered and he accepted that I stay at his house for a few days. We slept in the same bed but next to me lay the person I couldn't help, not at the moment.

After I made sure Louis was fine we didn't see each other for most of the following year. Sometimes we called to check on one another, but generally I tried to give him space to try and find happiness within himself or with someone else if he wished, even if it was Danielle, who seemed nice and whom he seemed to like. I'm not sure what I wanted neither for him nor for me. But I was always there when he needed me and he always came over whenever I felt insecure about losing him if we didn't see each other for too long. I turned those insecurities into an album and opened up [about] my world.

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I had to mention Danielle because they were allegedly dating then but we literally have proof Harry was with Louis in the hospital because of course he would. 2016 was hard on Louis, hopefully it continues getting better each year as it seems to have been.

Q: What do you think about Danielle? I don't dislike her, but I don't know her out of the context of her relationship with Louis to actually like her.