Don't Know Why

Chapter 17

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....

Brian...

It would be worth it.

That was what my best friend Lance promised me. Watching the scantily clothed women parading around, I wondered when the feeling of contentment would finally sink in.

It didn't.

I missed Alanna.

I stole a glance at my phone. Almost 1 AM. But still no word from her, despite the numerous calls and voice messages. The concert should be over now, provided she and Kate still went to it. I wouldn't know. We haven't spoken since I called her a couple of days ago to cancel.

I regretted it ever since. Sometimes I question myself why I keep listening to Lance.

But then he's the only one who makes me forget the pain.

Alanna and I have been together for four years. It wasn't difficult to see how much her eyes dimmed since I first met her. I was ruining her.

But despite how poorly I treat her, I love her. I've been in love with her since we met in high school. I remember giving my parents grief before I went to California. I wasn't entirely a willing participant in the exchange student program shit our school had. But my dad was a member of the Board and he wanted me to be active, said it would help in his campaign as chairman.

And maybe it did.

Two months into the program, I received a call from home. My dad thanked me and told me we could shorten our agreement. I could return home and graduate in Leeds together with my high school friends. Initially, that was one of the main reasons why I threw a fit.

But a few months into Saint Helena High School and my view took a three sixty.

Our meeting was an eventful one. She was attracted to me too or maybe it was just gratitude. I took her out on dates after that, still I sensed her reluctance when I asked her to be my girlfriend. So I reminded her that I saved her and in her own words – that she owed me her life.

"A little 'ol MJ for your thoughts?"

I stared at the blunt being passed towards me. I wasn't in the mood. "Maybe later."

I felt Lance's eyes on me "You're thinking of your baggage."

A muscle bunched in my cheek.

"You" he shook his head, grinning "You're a saint – saint Brian."

"Patron of blue balls" Cole piped in half sprawled on the couch and all of them laughed.

"So fuckin' patient" Lance continued to drawl. "If that cunt was mine –"

"If she were yours then what?" I snapped.

The others cawed, while Lance just stared at me with a sheen of entertainment in his gaze. He remained like that for a minute. I was itching for a fight, maybe this was the time Lance would rise up to it. My heart pounded in my ears. He was never one to make idle threats. Still, I never really appreciated the way he talked of Alanna.

He just chuckled. "Nothing man. She's your girl. Rightfully so. I just think she should start acting like one"

My anger vanished, my mood turning rueful. "I cheated on her if you can recall. I still do."

Most times, it wasn't intentional. But waking up next to a woman with no recollection of the night before, I think, was even worse.

I wanted to get clean. I intended to.