Black Boy

How did i get here

She looked at me in confusion, stating that she didn't even know who I was anymore. I couldn't even look her in the face, honestly I didn't know who I was myself. My many attempts to figure out The who I am and who I want to be had failed. She hadn't been there through it all, I've experienced the ugly, the good and a the bad of my life, but in this very moment none of it mattered. Every fiber of my being went into me not losing my shit growing up. Young black male without without a father figure and a young mother, let the world tell it i'd be destined to fail. I kept up this facade that I was okay with myself for over a decade, yes i'm young but that's when the pressure started. 9 years old. At that age is when I realized I had to grow up in order to survive, taking care of my mother had been my only concern. Fuck school as you might say. Money, money, money, the only words that made a difference to my situation so it was the exact thing that drove me to madness. Being the man of a household and still trying to figure out what a real man was can kill you, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Being that I had to teach myself every aspect of manhood i'd say I did pretty good to my standards. Standards which were apparently too high for the real world and at the same time not high enough for the people around me.

The man I wanted to be would let his wallet do the talking and his assistant schedule the meetings, a real family man with a beautiful wife and kids. This was my image of my future self. But instead of having someone lead by example all I had to look forward too was what not to be. No positive figure just negative, all of which told me to do great things but how can I do them if I am not taught. The blind leading the blind is the life I've lived, and you'd better not fuck up or mom would beat the black from her own kid, she brought you in this world so she can take you out, until your grown your gonna do things my way, you'll never be grown you'll always be my child. Having to hide your voice because whenever you spoke it was disrespectful, being forced to leave your room and being talked down upon once you left. Having not had a true childhood because of these things all while trying to become a man can break you, mentally, physically, and emotionally.