Empty Bargains ~Jason McCann~

~9.19~

I sat awake for a long time, going back and forth between reaming and defending myself for what I’d done.  Part of me knew I’d been completely out of bounds in terms of my relationship with Tyler; the other part — as small as it was — was arguing that if Tyler cared as much about me as he said he did, I’d have been out of here by now and it wouldn’t have happened.  It was poor reasoning, seeing as Tyler wouldn’t have stayed with me for almost two years if he didn’t, but I clung to the explanation as if it were the only one.

I changed out of the blue dress and slipped off the heels, exchanging them for a pair of my own sweats, hoodie, and socks.  When I walked back to the bed I saw the wrinkles in the sheets where I’d more or less just cheated on Tyler.  A stab of guilt hit me and I kneeled in the middle of the spot, getting rid of the mark as a question hit me.  Was it really cheating if I didn’t have feelings for Jason?

Trying to push the thought from my mind, I curled up against the headboard and pulled the duvet over my head.  It was hard to forget what had happened when my entire body was still tingling from Jason’s touch, especially where he’d placed the last kiss to my jaw.  He’d stopped when I told him to, but I didn’t know whether the last touch was for me or for him.  My stomach knotted thinking about it either way.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and counted down slowly from one hundred.  I always did this when I was nonplussed — it cleared my head and slowed down my mental processing.  When I reached eighty, all I could focus on was how worn out I actually was.  By sixty I was fighting unconsciousness.  I didn’t hear Jason come back into the room, and I never reached forty.

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I woke up around one o’clock in the afternoon.  Light was streaming in through a break in the dark curtains covering the windows, casting warm rays across my feet.  Sucking in a deep breath, I stretched out my body and scrunched my eyes closed.  Tiredness still weighed down my eyelids, but I didn’t think I could fall back asleep.

Suddenly, a sick feeling of angst dropped in my stomach.  My eyes peeked down at the end of the bed, expecting to see Jason on the air mattress, but he wasn’t.  I bit my lip and sat up, noticing the blankets on the small mattress were tossed aside.  He must’ve gotten up already.

The nervousness I felt was a kind that hadn’t hit me in a long time; the first oddity being that it was actual nervousness.  It didn’t happen very often, since I didn’t have anything to be nervous about.  But this kind, I realized, was how I’d felt after my first kiss with Tyler.

I quickly shook the thoughts off, counting it as something that came around every time I kissed a new person.  Maybe it was guilt, and not even nerves.  After all, I had a lot to be guilty about.

Slipping out of bed, I padded into the bathroom and went through my morning routine; washing my face, brushing my teeth, and staring into the mirror until I realized how irritated I actually was about being stuck in Jason’s house.  I couldn’t seem to stop thinking that I wouldn’t be here if Tyler were trying harder to get me out.  My thinking wasn’t entirely justified, but I wasn’t necessarily wrong.