sad :(

:(

"i am a lover without a lover. i am lovely and lonely and i belong deeply to myself."

-Warsan Shire

"let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that i may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts."

-Paramahansa Yogananda 

"oh, I am very weary, though tears no longer flow; my eyes are tired of weeping, my heart is sick of woe."

-Anne Bronte

"never give up. it is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. And it will light the way..."

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i dont get the point of waking up every morning and learning useless shit in school and then trying to please the teachers and write what they want in order to get the highest score. everything is so fucking useless?? whats the point? 

the worst thing is that im not angry or mad, im just tired and fed up

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i hate it when people say "ok" "oh" "rip" "lol" like an individual text? if that makes sense?

(i self contradict a lot and question myself bear with me)

like it kinda gives the message that they dont really care about you or the conversation

like honestly, what should i respond if someone goes "oh"

just an example:

context: my school is closed for the day and we have online classes where you kinda just work on documents and go through slides

her: ugh i hate the online school thingy

me: oh i dont really pay attention 

me: i just skip the learning part and just finish what i have to hand in

me: it takes less time and im lazy lmao

her: oh

this is kinda a bad example but honestly, if you were in my situation what would you say????? what the fuck are you supposed to say?????

it kinda just hints that the other person isn't really interested, doesn't care and kinda just wants to end the convo

in my friend's case, i know her and she doesn't actually mean it that way. i don't know how she feels but she doesn't mean it like that but shes just used to texting like that, so in our convos, i have to initiate all the conversation and try to keep things interesting

even worse, saying things like "good for you"

that's the worst thing ever in my opinion. i kinda had a toxic best friends back in elementary and she wouldn't really care and it made me feel like i was being annoying and stupid and until now im still kinda sensitive and touchy about that stuff

i feel like there's a certain "text etiquette" that you kinda have to take time to figure out?

like how to keep the conversation going and keep things interesting

however, if the other person isn't "responding" to you and not reciprocating the effort then it makes things harder and just more awkward 

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I spent more effort on this than the homework online class thingy I'm supposed to be working on

uh i hope you understood what i was attempting to say and yeah thanks for reading the first chapter of my wattpad thingy i decided to write because i had no one to rant to 

this is kinda to provide emotional support to me by spilling my feelings and idk to people reading this

im deathly scared and sensitive about people responding "oh" or "ok" if i rant to them and try to tell them my feelings

i tried that with one of my friends and it kinda broke our friendship but thats for next chapter because my readers think im annoying and bitchy

anyways thanks :)))

-cathy