Why

Memories

The final school bell rings which concludes the first day of death. I walk outside and see our car parked on the side of the street waiting patiently as if it had been there for like an hour. I slowly approach the car and get in just so I can hear my mom ask the one question parents always ask.

"How was school honey" she says with a fake smile and a happy tone. "Good" I say quietly. I always lie to her because if I don't she questions me non stop til I tell what's wrong and I DON'T want to deal with that right now.

As we drove away from the school, my mom turns on her CD and to my surprise its actually something I like. Then she begins to rant about some shit that happened today, but all I care about is him.

Thoughts of him kept popping up in my head and I couldn't stop myself. I felt like I had no power and no way to stop anything. I was left vulnerable.

When I got home, I dropped all my stuff on the floor and flopped on my bed. My mind still messed up and honestly I feel like shit today. I sit up from my bed and pull out my phone and begin to check Instagram and Facebook cause I have no life. Should I dare I think to myself as I scroll through Facebook on my phone. I guess I did cause within the next second Daniel Lord's profile is on my phone and I'm scrolling through his pictures. Why.. Is the only thing I'm thinking of now. Why do I like you... You don't even like boys let alone a guy that you called annoying and stuff like that. I through my phone off my bed as soon as that thought hits. Am I really that annoying... Should I really never talk to you... Do you even like me... Does he hate me... Those thoughts stayed I'm my mind for hours until I was finally able to suppress them with the help of my friend Kat.

I honestly love Kat cause she is always there when I have problems especially boy problems. She understands what I'm going through due to the fact that she is also having problems with a boy, but that's a whole different story.

"Hey" I say almost inaudible when she picked up her phone. She replies with a hey and a what's up which is when I confessed everything.

"So I have a problem" I say with a sniffle cause I was like half crying. "What's wrong" she says loud and clear. To me she sounded like a mother helping a child, but I really needed. "I didn't get over him... I thought I did but I didn't. It isn't fair." Within a second tears are rolling down my face and I sound like mess. "...I'm sorry" is the only thing I hear due to my excessive sobbing. The more we talked the more I cried and the more she tried to help. We continued this cycle until I had no more tears to years to lose. After a while I was sort of calmed down and we were talking about how I have 2 classes with him and how its really okay when it really isn't. We said our goodbyes around 10:30 and I said I was okay when I really was still a mess. I knew for a fact that she knew I was lying, but she let me for anyway.

That night I didn't sleep or eat. It was to hard for me... All I thought of was him.

When I climbed into bed it was 11:24 and as soon as my head hit the pillow I began to remember things from last year. I remembered how he was always happy and energetic when he really wasn't. I remembered how when he talked to me his sentences were choppy and really awkward which I found the cutest thing ever. I remembered how i would say hi to him from my orchestra class ever time he walked past. My mind was filled with memories. The more I remembered the farther I fell into my mind making it almost impossible to climb out. I remembered how I would say "ew" to him anytime he was there which he hated. To me I was just being funny, but apparently I was "flirting" with him. Then the one thing I didn't want to remember found its way into my body. The one thing that scared me the most. The fact that I told him how I felt and how he never confronted me about it.... Could this be reason why I still like him, but why... Is it the fact that he could like me or that I'm to gone to come back. I contemplate this for the rest of the night.

I lost tract of time and when i finally discovered the time, it was too late. My alarm goes off right after I realize the time with the tune of some Ariana Grande song. I slowly roll over and murmur "Fuck.. Here I go again."