here's the penny for my thoughts

it doesn't

when i was 10 i would laugh at the people

the people whose parents loved them

who did want to go home because god what was gonna happen tonight

the people who said "it'll get better its teenage angst".

let me tell you when it got better.

it got better when i was 14 and i fought with my mother so bad i had a hand print and bruises for a month,

it got better when i broke,

when i gave in,

when i let her say mean things and ruin me and let her control me.

it got better when my grandmother died when i was 16 and i didnt talk for so long that my parents didnt care.

it got better when at 17 when i screamed to my mother that i want to kill myself and she finally took to to a decent therapist (or so i thought).

but you understand what made that better?

manipulation,

gaslighting,

giving in,

thats what made it better.

they dont love me,

i called my mother crying that i wanted to move back and told my truths about what ive been lying about because i trusted a shitty friend.

because they were like my parents and

and

i was called a liar

a lazy piece of shit

so

im 19

i float between my parents and my aunt

i cant get a job

and i got 10 nasty phone calls from my mother about "you spilled water in my room?"

and another 10,

from my father over beer and cheese and food i didnt steal.

"dont come home tonight"

"this isnt a game you'll win"

"dont bullshit me"

...

dont fret dear father you dont have to see my face for the next month its fine.