Syndicate Origins: Persona [NaNoWriMo2014, 2015]

CHAPTER FOUR: THE ACCIDENT

CHAPTER FOUR

When my mom had died, the doctors told me that it had been quick and almost painless. They said that it had been like going to sleep, but never waking up. I think that they had tried to soften the blow that life had given me and to ease my guilt.

It didn't work.

I still blamed myself every morning I woke up and every night I went to sleep. It festered in my soul and lived in my heart. I tried to get rid of it, but it stayed and grew. Why wouldn't it grow? I had been the reason that she was dead and there was no way around it. If I hadn't been so stupid, Mom would be here to hold my hand. I wouldn't be in some kind of sleep that wouldn't let me go.

"I don't know why she isn't waking up, Kyle. Just give her time."

"Dr. Whittle, what if she doesn't wake up?"

"I'm sure she will."

"But-"

"Dr. Whittle, may I speak with you?"

That was my father's voice. There was no mistaking it.

"Of course, Lawrence. Kyle, call me if anything changes. Your dad is awfully busy and might not notice."

"Yes, doctor. Thank you for coming."

"I'm Mae's doctor. It's my job."

A door opened and closed, leaving me alone with Kyle. It seemed that he wasn't angry with me anymore and I wasn't cross with him either. I didn't mean what I had thought before I blacked out. I was just frightened and confused. My body had never done that before. Who wouldn't have been terrified?

"I'm sorry."

Kyle's voice cracked.

"I left you when I said I wouldn't. I'm so sorry."

I wanted to hold his hand, to smooth his pain. It wasn't his fault that my body decided to malfunction. He shouldn't be blaming himself.

"It's happening all over again. First Mom, now you."

Hey, I wasn't dead yet. I loved the vote of confidence, though.

"I mean, I know you're not dead, but . . . this is worse. You're just lying there asleep, but you're not waking up. It's like you're right in the middle. I hate waiting to see which way you'll go."

I didn't agree. I would take the pain of waiting over having it over too quick. When it was too quick, there was no time for goodbyes or last minute apologies. There was only the end. You didn't get to tell the person you loved them or words of encouragement. No, the only thing you got was the doctors telling you that she was dead and you couldn't hug her anymore. That you couldn't feel that human warmth upon her skin. That you couldn't tell her what you should have earlier. That you couldn't hold her hand as she passed on. That was the only thing you got. The doctor's final words on the matter like it was some kind of car dealership.

"My mom did that to me, you know. The day she died. I spent hours at the hospital waiting for the doctors to tell that she was alive or worse. It was agony. Time had slowed to a crawl and it was all I could do to hold myself together. So when they finally told me she was dead, I was upset, but relieved that I didn't have to wonder anymore. I had an answer, though not an answer that I wanted."

I sympathized with his grief, but I couldn't understand the weight he must have felt. He must have been driven have half-mad not knowing whether his mom was going to live or die. At least I had known right away.

"This is somewhat different. I don't know how to feel about you. You're my sister, but I don't love you. Don't get me wrong. I like you enough for someone I've known for only two days, but it's not like we're family, you know? It's not like the love I have . . . had for my mom."