apathy

fix me

Inko Midoriya inexplicably finds herself sitting at her son's bedside in the hospital for the second time in a few months. The room is dark, due to her own insistence, and filled only with the sounds of Izuku breathing.

The doctors say he's lucky to still have his arm, and it's only thanks to Recovery Girl and a few others that he will still be able to use it after all of this. They gave him a green cast, and it has somehow already accumulated a few signatures. There are notes from Sansa and Tsukauchi telling him to get well soon, and one from the Iida boy, thanking him for his interference. Near the wrist, Izuku's two friends have signed.

They have already visited today. Inko is glad he has some friends, even if they're a little odd. Hatsume takes Izuku's torn hoodie when they leave, and Shinsou whispers to her son that he better get back to school soon or else. Inko pretends she doesn't hear him, sure that neither of the boys want her intruding on their moment.

Inko, left alone in the dark when all is said and done, bows her head into her clasped hands and does her best to not shake.

She knows she's gone wrong somewhere. At some point she has looked at her son, has seen his distress and the lackluster of his eyes, and turned her back. At some point she has made the decision to avoid what she decides she cannot fix. In the process, she has broken it even more.

The guilt pools in her gut and grows, filling all of they empty space inside of her until it swallows her, making it hard to breathe. Thd guilt overflows into the dark room.

"I'm sorry." She whispers, pleading her unconscious son to understand how genuine she is. There are tears welling in her eyes, despite her best efforts to keep them contained. "Izuku, I'm sorry!"

The dam breaks wide open, and from her lips rushes out the list of offenses she will never be absolved of. Each comes out more desperate and choked than the last.

I'm sorry for not supporting you in your dream. I'm sorry for being selfish about your safety. I'm sorry I never noticed the hardships you were going through. I'm sorry that I let us avoid each other. I'm sorry that I became so caught up in myself that I didn't pay attention. I'm sorry that I let you end up in this bed again.

I'm sorry that I'm not good enough to call myself your mother.

"Please forgive me. It was my fault. I should have encouraged you, not put you down as well. You are worthy of so much better, Izuku!" Inko sobs, quietly, into her hands. She doesn't expect an answer. She doesn't deserve an answer.

Izuku's hand sets itself on her head. Inko freezes stiff at the contact, and slowly raises her tearful gaze. Izuku stares back her, eyes half open. She feels bare, as if Izuku can see everything that makes her. She almost asks how long he's been awake but something in the sad, tired slant of his brows tell her that the answer is 'long enough.'

"I'm at fault too." He says quietly, removing his hand from her head. "Sorry for disappointing you all these years. I know I made it hard for you."

"Izuku, no!" Inko gasps. She catches his hand before he can pull away from her again, clutching it in her own. He blinks in surprise. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me Izuku. I have never been disappointed in you. If anything, I'm disappointed with myself for not being there for you. I'm sorry."

Inko and Izuku stare at each other in the silent dark for a while. Inko pours all of her genuineness into her stare, so that Izuku has no choice but to believe her. He sighs after a while and loses tension that Inko barely noticed.

"I'm going to do better." Inko pledges, determined. "I'm going to be there for you. I can't recover our lost time, but I promise that I will not let us lose any more."

Izuku nods and closes his eyes again. They sit for so long without a word that Inko thinks Izuku must have fallen asleep again.

"Mom..." He murmurs, proving her wrong, "I think I might be broken. I don't... I don't know how to... Emote. Anymore. Everything is just numb, and it gets worse and worse all the time. I don't think I can be fixed."

"...You've been through a lot, Izuku. I added to your struggles more than I care to admit. The world has never been fair to you." Inko chooses her words carefully. "But you're not helpless, or beyond repair. You're coping the best you know how."

Izuku says nothing. Inko squeezes his hand and keeps talking.

"You're not alone anymore, Izuku. You have me, you have the detectives, you have that Eraserhead, and you have your new friends. We have your back, no matter how long it takes for you to feel better."

"What if they abandon me?" Izuku asks, plaintively. Inko's heart shatters a little more for her son when he opens his eyes to look at her again. "Like dad? Or Kacchan?"

Or you?

"Just a moment, honey." Inko stands up, drops Izuku's hand, and walks to the door. Izuku peers after her, anxious with anticipation. She flips on the lights without warning, and hurries back over to his side while he's still blinking through the abrupt change. "Look at your cast, Izuku."

Izuku takes in the signatures and notes, and Inko picks up his hand again.

"They care about you, Izuku. They're not going to leave you easily. I can promise you that."

Izuku looks at her. She looks back. He squeezes her hand and gives a small, tired smile. It isn't much, but it's enough. Inko smiles back and knows that they'll be okay.

Somehow. Someday.