Poetry by Shawn Thomas

Self Love : Personal Narrative by Shawn Thomas

It was during the fall of 2018 where my heart would rush and tears would drip from my eyes like never before.
This was an unfamiliar feeling that I wasn't expecting to stumble upon.
My body was shaking, there was a sense of lightness to me, and a lost of control.
At this point I rushed for comfort impulsively to understand what was going on and my friend sat there and she caress me in my moment of weakness.
Eventually I would come to find out I was having my first panic attack. One of the most ironic things I've always lived by is that no matter what situation I am put in, I can always get through it.
I felt as if even if it came down to friends who were toxic, even if they were the closest to me, I would do what I had to do in a heartbeat. My mental health is what has to come first. The thing is, I never thought it would be the people who have been by my side since childhood.

If I had to describe myself growing up to now, I think that one thing that is important is that I am a peacemaker. At times, I would sacrifice my own happiness for the benefit of others because I've always wanted to make sure people were mentally ok.
Due to this, I believe I have had a long road to start focusing on MYSELF to make sure things were ok.
My two friends that I've known for a while were named Leandro and Naomi. I've always looked at Leandro as my actual brother.
We always looked out for each other despite the limited amount of things we had a common, which never affected our bond.
Meanwhile, Naomi meant a lot to me because she was the person I talked to about anything, but my love for her always went farther than the surface.
It felt for both of these people dear to my heart, it was my goal to make sure I could not only reciprocate the energy that they gave to me but also put in more because of how much I valued them. Although this went for a while, in our senior year it would all go to shit.

Naomi was weeks out of a relationship and at this point in our own relationship, it was closer than ever. I've always had feelings that were pushed to the side to spear the potential of complicating things. Although, it had appeared that Leandro wanted to share his own feelings for her.
I was used to having a friend that would come to me because they had their own feelings about her and shared them to me but I always neglected my emotions as a result constantly.
Over the phone, Leandro and I talked about our feelings but then we joked about how it was kind of a competition.

"I guess it's who ever gets her first, haha," said Leandro.

" Yeah I guess so, it's like a competition," I said.

"Yeah but you know I'm not gonna just let you win, right?"

It felt subconsciously weird because of the thought of it being a competition and speaking of her like a trophy so I decided to change the subject.
Days would go by and it would linger on my head and I would experience my first sign of a panic attack. At the time I felt weird talking to either person because of the feeling that there having being something to gain every conversation.
At some point, I became very irrational because for days I was holding my emotions in without speaking to neither of them. I was feeling a sense of anxiousness and fear.
I had brought it up to Naomi and understandingly she was upset because of the thought of the two people closest to her competing over her when she wanted none of it. It broke her to tears because to her it feels like it is impossible for her to have friends.
All she has ever experienced is her closest friendships ending because she couldn't she couldn't return the same feelings back. It scared her to think that she could lose two to right now because of it. Irrationally, I told her that I'd never abandon her because of my feelings. This exchange made me feel selfish.
I wanted to commit to being her friend and I apologized to Leandro for my irrational actions. I mean I felt me sacrificing my feelings for her was a price I was willing to live with.
At that time, it felt like the promise to never abandon her was a promise I could keep but I never expected what would come months later.