NIGEL

CHAPTER 18: HONESTY IS HARD

*Hi guys! Sorry I've been totally ghosting you! I was dealing with personal things so I promise I wasn't just being lazy lol. But I'm back and I'm gonna finish this story darn it! Also, sometimes the illustrations change so every once in a while you might want to look back on previous chapters so you don't miss them. Anyway, enjoy!*

I woke up to the sound of Lily humming me an old song we used to sing as children. I blinked, and tried to regain my focus. I opened my eyes and in front of me sat Lily, stroking my hand, and worry written across her face. She sighed in relief when she realized I was awake. "Oh Nigel, thank the gods! What happened?"
I tried to sit up, my head pounding. "What?" was all I managed to say.
"You really had us worried," chimed in Kieran.
I looked around, observing that it was daytime and we were no longer in the crystal cave. It looked like we were back in The Hushwood. Noah sat contemplatively by a small fire.
"How long was I asleep?" I asked.
"A long time," answered Kieran. "You slept through supper yesterday and the whole night."
I sat up again, this time more abruptly. "What? I never sleep that long!" I exclaimed in disbelief.
"Well I wouldn't call passing out 'sleeping' Nigel. Don't worry it's fine. Are you feeling better?" asked Lily, still stroking my hand and putting a palm to my forehead. I loved the feel of her comforting touch. Lily smiled at me, though a sadness still hid deep in her eyes. "Can you tell us what happened Nigel?" she pressed.
I sighed and nodded. "Alright." I related to Kieran and Lily what Noah and I experienced while in the presence of the Divine Sisters. I told them how we had to get to The Lonely Wood in northern Severno in six months and we had to burn James when we found him. I omitted the being immortal part that made me faint but I figured that wasn't the best time to mention it seeing as our focus at the moment was James. Lily and Kieran both sat contemplatively, their demeanor uneasy. "Well we have to move fast don't we?" said Lily.
Kieran ran his hand through his red locks. "I would say so. Traveling on foot all the way back up north is not going to be easy. Besides, we need to get some warmer clothes. At least it will be summer by the time we get there, so the snow won't be as thick."
I nodded. "True. But, if you don't mind I should like to rest for a moment and not discuss this any further. I'm having a difficult morning as you can see."
Kieran nodded. "I understand."
The rest of the day went on as usual, and despite our having a constraint on time, that day we didn't walk very far or for very long. By the time night came, Kieran had gone to sleep rather quickly and Noah went off to go "hunting" as we called it. Lily and I were left the only ones awake sitting around the small fire, Evie sat contently purring in my lap. I had grown fond of the little creature and I think it was starting to really like me too. I petted her slowly, comforting myself when Lily sat down in front of me, the glow of the fire flickering behind her.
"What's the matter?" I asked, concerned.
She sighed. "Nigel, please, tell me the truth." A hint of desperation in her voice.
I furrowed my eyebrows. She certainly had caught me off guard. I wasn't sure where this was all coming from or why she wanted to bring it up at that moment. Then, I realized it was probably the perfect time to talk because Noah was out and Kieran was asleep.
Finally I sighed. "What do you want to know Lily?" I couldn't hide the exhaustion in my tone which I could see had wounded her. I didn't mean it to be rude or dismiss her feelings, but I knew what she wanted to talk about and I honestly wasn't up for it. It was a conversation I'd been avoiding for mostly selfish reasons.
"I just want you to be honest with me!" she whispered desperately.
I groaned. "What are you going on about?!" I knew exactly what she was referring to but I didn't want to admit it. I'm still unsure whether I just didn't want to admit how I was feeling out loud, or for the fear of losing Lily. Of course my darlings, I said all the wrong things and botched it anyway.
"You know what I mean Nigel! I can see it. I'm not stupid," she murmured wiping a tear from her cheek. "You don't love me anymore Nigel. I don't know if you ever did."
That hurt me. "How can you say that?" I sneered, not hiding how offended I was.
Lily sighed. She knew she didn't mean it, but I can't blame her now for the way she acted. She was hurt and angry with me. I think she was also angry with herself. "Because it's true! You and I have been drifting apart and I just want to hear you say why! Admit it!" The desperation in her voice rang clear and powerful, despite her hushed tone so as not to wake Kieran. I think on some level she really was hoping she was wrong and that this would all just go away. I could see the deep emotional trauma I was about to cause her with just the sheer power of those sad hazel eyes staring into mine. "Say it," she said again almost emotionlessly. Her face was hard as stone and her tears didn't cease despite her stoic expression.
"Okay!" I finally blurted, taking her aback. "You're right. This isn't fair to you Lily and I'm so sorry." Lily wrung her hands, trying enormously to contain her emotions but she was losing the battle with herself. "I think I'm bisexual, and I don't think it's fair to you that despite how much I care about you, that you should be in a relationship with someone who isn't in it completely," I spat out the words. It was the hardest sentence I think I'd ever said out loud, yet somehow after I had released that information to the world, I felt fantastic! I eventually looked up to meet Lily's eyes again and she, unsurprisingly, didn't look like she felt even half as good as I did.
"Nigel, if you are bisexual then how come you can't still be with me? Is it that you just don't love me anymore?" The pain in her voice broke my heart.
"Darling," I began, reaching a hand out to touch her face which she rejected. "Lily, I do love you. I just don't think I love you the way you need me to. I can't say I'm gay because I do enjoy women, just depending on the woman in question. But despite my preference for men, you deserve better than me anyway. It would never work out," I tried to explain.
Lily could no longer suppress her sobs. "But why?" was all she managed to spit out, trying to wrap her arms around me.
"Because," I sighed reluctantly, trying to find the best way to put it, "the witches, they told me,"
"Told you what?!" Lily stuttered through her crying.
"I'm immortal Lily! I can't give you the life you deserve anyway! I can't give anyone the life they deserve! All I can do is sit back and watch everyone I try to love or already love grow old and die while I stay here! A half breed monster with nobody to love!" I practically yelled.
"But people do love you, Nigel!" she exclaimed, her hands caressing my face. I saw in her expression that she was just as shocked as I initially was about what I just told her. "I'm sorry," she said finally. "But don't let that stop you Nigel! I'm here! I don't want to leave you because of this!"
I sighed, taking her hands off my face. "Lily, you and I both know this can't work anymore. I don't want to have to go through that pain and I want to explore my other and quite frankly, more prominent sexual feelings." As I tried to explain, she nodded to herself and started to back away. "Lily please!" I pleaded with her, desperate to explain myself. I wanted her in my life! I loved her and she understood me like nobody else in the world, but I couldn't live a lie anymore!
"Half of that was another lie Nigel. You want Kieran. I don't know if you love him or not but that's a truth. I didn't want to admit it to myself for the longest time," she murmured.
"Lily," I whispered to her in desperation, but she didn't want to hear it. She just turned and walked away, crying to herself and trying to keep it muffled. "Where are you going?!" I called to her, but she didn't answer. She walked through the trees and into the forest to be alone and I wasn't going to stop her. My yelling did wake up Kieran though, who shot up in a half asleep panic. "What's happening?!" he mumbled.
"Nothing," I answered quietly, trying to make my voice sound like I wasn't crying so he would just go back to sleep and not ask any questions. Thankfully he did just that, but then I became painfully aware of my loneliness. I had just lost the most important person in my life. I wiped the tears from my face, and hoped beyond hope that she would get past this. I just wanted her to understand, but I knew she needed some time to think about things. I wasn't angry with her in the slightest. She was in love with me and I had just broken her heart. I knew she must have been conflicted because she couldn't stay mad at me, but she was upset over all the plans for our life she'd made that were never going to happen.
I started to think about what she said. Did I really want Kieran? Was I in love with him? Maybe at the time no, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I did want him. I wanted him, and not because I was desperate to finally get my hands on a male now that I was no longer attached. I had gotten to know Kieran and I think he was mostly the reason I felt I had to be honest with Lily after all this time. Before, any men I was attracted to I kept at a safe distance but since Kieran came with us, that hasn't really been an option. I don't know if I would say at the time I was in love with him, but it was more than just a physical attraction. I needed some time to mourn in a sense over what'd happened with Lily. I couldn't just move on from our relationship right away, especially since we had been together for so long. But I knew once things between me and Lily were better, I would talk to Kieran.
However, there were more important matters at hand. We had to make it to Severno in time. I knew more than ever, despite all my doubts, what I wanted. I wanted to face the monster who killed my mother. I wanted to feel the sweet relief of revenge! And I was going to get it, even if I had to die trying.