October 14th, 2019
Dear diary,
I didn't go to school today.
My depression is taking over me again. I wish that I couldn't feel anymore. I wish I could just be numb. Because the only feeling I ever have is sad. I'm lonely. I want someone to check up on me. To not just let me be sad. Because then I just sit here and am sad and depressed. I want to be loved. I want to have good friends who care. I want to not feel like I'm letting everyone down. I feel like a burden. Like I'm the one messing it all up. I try so hard to be smart, and look pretty. But I can't do it. Social media takes over me. I'm always checking my Instagram and Snapchat and tik tok. And I see all these happy people. And I wish that could be me. I want to go to college and be successful but I don't think I can handle it. I think about in the movies and books, even the nerdy character gets a good friend. Someone who loves them. But I don't. I don't get good friends. I don't get people who love me for me. I just wish I could be me. I want to be able to be nerdy, to be stupid sometimes, to not try and be so perfect. Nobody knows me. If someone I knew was going through something I wouldn't give up on them. But when I've been depressed, now and in the past, everyone leaves. I get it nobody wants to be around the sad girl. But can't someone just stay? I want someone to be there for me even when it gets dark. But they're all really only there for when I'm happy and fun. I want someone to hold me. To let me cry. To listen. I don't want to be taken over by everything. I feel so controlled. I want to be in control of myself. I don't want to be ruled by what people say I should be. But then again, if I don't then no one will like me. I feel like I do so much for everyone else, and I'm just left empty. What else am I possibly suppose to do? Because I don't want to live this way anymore. It's horrible. It's miserable. I feel like I'm dying. I can't breathe. I can't be happy. I have to be perfect. I have to be smart. I have to be pretty. I have to be cool. I have to be slutty. But can't be too slutty because then they'll call me a whore. I have to be the perfectly nice girl.
