Don't Let Me Go

April 22

April 16, 2014

My mom surprised me with a wig that matched my hair perfectly. I put it on and started crying. Having to shave my head is a pain in the ass. You know what else is a pain in the ass? Having cancer. That sucks. None stop chemo, shots, getting sick, bloody noses and the worst part.. fear. Ever since I was little, I have always feared. Fear of what?.. I don't know, just life I guess, Fear of the dark, fear of heights, fear of spiders, clowns, etc. But what gets me the most is that ever since I was 8, when my grandma died, that is when I started actually getting scared. Fear of more death in the family, fear of dying in general, fear of afterlife, fear of fear. Sounds crazy, but I am actually afraid of being afraid

April 17, 2014

My nurse came in my room today and informed me that I could go back home tomorrow for a while until things get worse. The chemo is working, which is great, but what isn's so great is that Asa still has no idea. 

April 18, 2014

I walked into my house with my chemotherapy machine, and slowly walked over to my couch. I quickly sat down due to feeling light headed. My mom rushed over with a Gatorade and a ice pack. After about five minutes my mom came in and we sat on the couch watching my favorite movie White Chicks.There were parts where I started laughing so hard that I would start to feel light headed again and couldn't breathe. My mom would have to pause the movie, and let me take about a two minute break to calm down, and then we would play the movie again. It is sad how a life can change so fast. One day you are sitting on the couch with your family laughing your asses off while eating popcorn and drinking pop, and now, its like my whole life change in a millisecond.  Sitting there, scared that I will start to get sick any minute. I just have to get used to the fact that my whole life from now on is just a huge waiting process. 

April 19, 2014

Asa texted me today asking when he could visit. I didn't tell him that I was home because I am afraid that he would knock on my door any second. Not telling Asa maybe one of the toughest things I have done. he is my boyfriend, what the hell am I thinking? He is not going to judge me, he is not going to break up with me. Well there is always that possibility. That word fear is coming back into play. 

I text Asa and said that I am feeling a little better and that I would let him know when to visit. 

When the movie was finally over, my mom asked if I wanted to sleep on the couch or my room. Of course I said my room. My mom slowly helped me up the stairs and walked into my room and started tearing up again. My room is like my best friend, I hate leaving it for so long. I could still smell the scent from when I last sprayed perfume in there. I walked over to my bed and plopped down. And then layed down and spread out ( like you would do when you first get into a hotel room ). I called Asa and we talked for awhile. We talked about life and how we missed each other. I fell asleep. 

April 20, 2014 

I miss Asa

April 21, 2014

I miss Asa 

April 22, 2014

I love Asa. 

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Hey guys!! soo what did you think? Emily FINALLY came to conclusion that she loves Asa!! Even though, asa is being a jerk and making out with Makenize! Asa and Emily? or Asa and Makenzie? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS! VOTE & SHARE! :)

~Jillian