Abyss - Book Five of the Alpha Series - MxM

Chapter 1

"To live is not to breathe but to act. It is to make use of our organs, our senses, our faculties, of all the parts of ourselves which give us the sentiment of our existence. The man who has lived the most is not he who has counted the most years but he who has most felt life"

It is the time to make changes, the time to step up to where I never fathomed I'd belong. This is not what I was groomed for, my brothers had always been the rightful heir and I spent more time with my sisters and mother than I did in the war room, at council meetings, or attending rallies as my brothers did.

I had walked hundreds of miles, I had fought in wars, battled my sister, died and been reborn, and yet nothing had prepared me for the power of what it was to be the leader. I would become the end all, be all, to my people and it seemed like something I had been putting off in the back of my mind. 

I didn't believe I would make it this far, how could I when the odds were stacked so firmly against us? 

One in a million of me actually being capable of ruling this nation. 

I don't know where my shyness was coming from, all the insecurities crept back into my mind as slivers of doubt that picked away at the confident leader I had become. I was used to working in a group but now I'd have to decide for an entire country and it seemed overwhelming. Since waking up, life felt as though it had gone in fast forward. 

The first day was blissful ignorance, waking up to my slumbering warlord and falling away into the final declaration that we were destined to be together. But with that certainty came a whole new set of worries about this trend that it seemed no one else shared. It seemed as though life was beginning to take the progression of a normal young prince on his way to the throne, I would gain a kingdom and marry off, start a family and settle down. 

Yet, since starting my campaign on that first night when I left with the army with the knowledge I'd probably never return, I can't possibly be the same man who made these promises. Marriage, a kingdom, a commitment- I feel as though my life was just beginning and I would be permanently signing it away.

All this time, all this bloodshed and pain and anguish, here back in my home 'young Nicolas' was waiting for me. What if I became ordinary? What if I lost my brilliance? 

To combat the anxiety, I threw myself into the development of my people and hid from my lectures. Loan, as my self-appointed advisor, was quick to bring in 'help' in the form of educated scholars who could bring me up to speed on my mannerisms and polish me so that I'd be presentable to the public. 

My idea of presentable was not the regally dressed, stiff dignitary they had picked out for me. I felt as though they wanted to change every fiber of my being, strip me down to my bare bones and rebuild me in some divine vision. Where my companions were training, preparing for the war that sat at our doorstep, I was attending fine dining etiquette and history lectures. 

I fail to see how a salad fork will lend me to be more capable of ruling a country.

So I steal away, I slip out the servant's doors to the stables and ride out to my familiar city to hide in her depths in hopes of news from beyond our borders. Loan seems to be on to me because he has removed a good deal of my spies, a king receives news as necessary from generals and appointed officials, and yet, I feel like I never get any of the true news as I'm not actually involved in much of the military planning anymore.

 We are told the cliff notes and expected to nod and smile, it's no longer my way and it's left me horrendously unsatisfied. Perhaps that is my reluctance, I'm no longer fit for this world of luxury and glamour. I am too calloused, too exposed, I can not hide in the facade that my people want another monarchy and frankly, I don't want to give them one.