Reckless Abandon (Part 1)

Chapter Two

I shook my head as we made our way to the lunch table.  I couldn't comprehend what Alice was so hyped up about.  "I don't understand, A, he's just a teacher.  We've gotten new teachers before."

She let out a dramatic huff.  "That's because you never actually looked at him," she pointed out.  "You were too busy with your nose in that book to pay attention to the god standing before you."

I rose a brow, meeting her eyes.  "And you wonder why my grades are so much better than yours?"

She rolled her eyes as we sat.  "Speaking of, have you even applied to any college yet?  Or what?  Talk is nothing but words unless you act on them."

I pursed my lips and pushed my food away, not super hungry.  "Um...not yet."

"And why is that?"

I picked up an apple slice and bit off a piece as I shrugged and looked away.  I wasn't planning on surviving through graduation.  I didn't see a future, I just saw darkness, why plan for it?

"You can get into any college you want," she said, but it wasn't in support, it was almost anger as if she hated that I had that opportunity.  "Why the hesitation?"

I looked around at all of the people just milling about, more and more flooding in, the space getting smaller and smaller and my heart started to pick up.  I was used to lots of people in small spaces due to the many parties Alice had dragged me to in the past, but I didn't like the question she was asking, it was causing my anxiety to grow.  "I'm going to go on a walk."

"Seriously?" she sat back and rolled her eyes.  "Whatever, see you in class."

I gave her a wave as she moved on to her other friends and I left.  I walked out the doors into the courtyard and took a long, deep breath.  I liked the open space.  No noise, no people, nothing to close me off from anything.

I walked slowly up the large hill overlooking the school grounds and sat down at the top, pulling my legs up to my chest.  Everyone told me when I first mentioned feeling sad and alone at a young age that I should find God.  Be closer to God, they said.  Just keep praying, you're just not praying hard enough.  But, like....maybe he just wasn't listening.  No one ever thought about that.  God couldn't listen to everyone at once and maybe he just didn't have the time for me.  Maybe he just thought I was a lost cause.  No, no, no, they said, it's just a test.  He's testing your faith, a teacher is always most quiet during the test. 

I shook my head.  A teacher also guides their students with words and instructions.  The bible is filled with these stories that are meant to give people hope, but don't really tell you what direction or steps you need to take.  The bush catching on fire back in B.D doesn't really tell me today how to handle the fact that I have an abusive mother who hates me, an abusive adopted brother who hurts me and scars covering my body because of the suicidal thoughts that I have.  How am I supposed to discern invisible messages in things like how the cafe boy hands me my coffee or how I got to the stop light just in time to see a mother laughing with her three year old daughter?  What is the difference between a sign and a coincidence?  What is the difference between looking for messages in the sky from an invisible man and being insane?

I let out a breath and looked to my feet.  God couldn't love me, my own father would look at me as a burden if he knew the truth.  The thing is, it wasn't that I didn't believe in God, it was that I couldn't believe in a God who loved me.

"Harlen!"

I looked up to the bottom of the hill and rose a brow to the man standing there.  He had semi-long beautiful brown hair, pushed back perfectly but still soft and silky looking, just like an Instagram photo, and dark stubble lining his cheeks and strong jawline.  He had piercing blue explosions as eyes and a warm, kind smile.  He was sporting dark blue wranglers, nice dress shoes, a tucked in button up long sleeved white shirt, a gray vest and a black tie.  Very formal, but laid back at the same time.