Pretty Boy (You Make Me Want To Live)

you hate me

"Frank please, I know you're sad but you've got to come out some time soon."

"Fuck off." Frank yelled back, curling up further into his bed and pulling his pillow up over his head.

He hadn't left his bed in almost three days, and hadn't left the house in two weeks. He hadn't left since he had first seen Gerard after the crash.

His hair had become all matted and greasy - he was pretty sure dreads were forming - and he hadn't had a shower since Gerard either.

He fucking stunk. He was a mess.

"Frank, pl-"

"I said no. Fuck off Jamia." Frank spat, his voice raising as he turned to look at his door before collapsing back into his mattress again in a fit of tears.

He just couldn't understand why Gerard had done that. Why had he tried to kill himself. Why had he left Frank? Why had he done it on Christmas?

Every time Frank even opened up his mind to the possibility that it wasn't his fault, his thoughts battered him back down. He felt like he hadn't stopped crying since the crash and anything could trigger a flood of tears.

A ping resonated through the room and Frank dragged his phone of his bedside table, turning the screen towards himself. It was a text from Mikey saying something about Gerard and him getting better, but Frank didn't care.

Another ping came through, but Frank just ignored it, turning the ringer off and pushing his phone away from him. He didn't want to know anymore.

"Frank? Did Mikey text you? He's got some good news!" Jamia's cheery voice rang through the door

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Frank asked, his voice raising, "Fuck off, I. don't. care." He screamed, his voice cracking and he thrashed on his bed. Why wouldn't that girl understand he wanted to be alone and that he didn't care anymore.

"I-" Jamia's voice hitched, "I'm sorry I just... I thought you'd be excited."

Frank immediately felt guilty. He'd been so wrapped up in himself that he hadn't wanted anything to do with anyone else. He fumbled to his door dragging it open in time to see Jamia disappearing into her own room, wiping away tears with the heel of her hand.

"Wait- Jamia I'm sorry-" Frank croaked, stumbling out of his room after her.

"It's okay, I get it." She gave a weak smile as she paused.

"No, fuck, it isn't, I'm being a dick, and I look and probably smell gross too, but you don't deserve to have to put up with me." Frank stumbled over his words as he came to a stop in front of the girl. He was taken aback when Jamia suddenly stepped forwards and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him as tightly as she could.

"I-"

"No, shh, just hug me back you dumb fuck." She murmured. So Frank complied, wrapping his arms around her.

He wasn't going to lie, he'd missed human contact and couldn't help the tears from escaping.

"Hey, shh, just let it all out," Jamia whispered, rubbing Frank's back as he cried.

"Fuck I'm so sorry Jamia, I-" Frank knew he was about to let it all out and moved away, gesturing back to his room.

"No, your room kind of stinks at the moment."

Frank chuckled through the tears, but led Jamia into her own room, waiting until they were both comfortably seated on her bed.

"Let it all out Frank, what been on your mind?" Jamia asked softly.

"So you know how Gerard got in that crash? Well Mikey told me that they think it was a suicide attempt, I don't know why, and I don't know how they came to that conclusion but that's what they thought. But y'see the thing is, is that Christmas eve was the first time we had, y'know, done something. Like... together.. and that was the closest I've ever felt to him... then to hear that he might have tried to fucking off himself not even a day later? that hurt, that really fucking hurt. Was it something I did? Was I really that bad? I just want answers and I can't get them and I don't wanna seem insensitive when he does wake up and- what?" Frank cut himself off. Jamia had been looking like a fish trying to say something.

"Have you checked your phone? I know you don't really want to see Gerard at the moment but please, just give him a chance? Let him explain or something I dunno-"

"What do you mean?"

"I- just check your phone."

Frank scowled at Jamia as he stood up, leaving the room to get his phone and clicking it on.

idk what your problem is but gerard just woke up and he's asking for you so you better get ur ass over here asap.

The text was from Mikey. The hostility coming off from the fact that Frank hadn't replied to any of Mikey's texts or been to visit the hospital since he had first been there when Mikey had been nothing short of kind and supportive to him.

"Jamia...?" Frank called out.

"If you put your shoes on I'll take you over there right now." Jamia shrugged from the doorway.

"I... I don't know if I wanna go..."

"Man up Jesus, Frank if you don't go there Gerard will come here and you know that, no matter how hard those goddamned nurses try to get him to stay if he wants something, he'll get it."

He nodded, Gerard would do that, so it was better to go and see him on his own terms than to have to be forced to talk when he didn't want to, plus at least if he was in the hospital and he started having a panic attack - as he feared he would - there'd be more than a sufficient number of people around to help him.

You see, Frank didn't cope with his more negative or upsetting emotions particularly well, especially if they were attached to something close so him, so of course seeing Gerard in such a bad state had really thrown him, and even now Frank could feel his chest tightening at the mere thought of his boyfriend.