How You Get the Girl

I Know All Things Come to an End But I Did not Know it Would be so Hard

It was probably time to admit that I had a few teensy little flaws as a girlfriend. I was a little bit insecure. Just a teeny tiny bit, times ten. I did need to work on that. And, I also tended to overthink things. Just a little bit. Okay, maybe a whole lot. But recognizing your flaws was your first step towards change right? And on that note, I had a new mantra. I was going to try not to obsess about things. Really, I was.

"Why are you tearing that napkin into pieces?" Ben asked.

"No reason," I answered, continuing to make napkin confetti.

We were sitting at Ben's bedroom watching a movie on his computer. We had made popcorn and I had grabbed napkins, which I was now busy tearing into tiny pieces. It was very therapeutic.

We both done with our finals. Graduation was in two days. Senior year was almost over.

"You aren't upset about your math grade are you?"

"Ben, I got a B. I'm thrilled," I told him. Only Ben would think I would be upset about a B in math. For me, a B was a great grade.

No, the real reason was that Ben's mother left an hour ago to go pick up his grandparent's and drive them back for his graduation. They were in their 80s and lived in western Minnesota. They weren't comfortable driving long distances anymore. She would be gone overnight. Ben's father would not be home until late, as usual. We had the house to ourselves for hours. And I was sitting here making napkin confetti. And Ben was totally clueless because he had no idea I had gone on the pill a month ago.

"Harper, that's the third napkin you've shredded. What's the matter?" Ben pressed.

I just had to say something. It should be easy. Right? Clearly, I was not good at this. I either blurted things out or froze up. Well, if I could not make myself say something, I could do something. We were sitting on the loveseat in his bedroom. I leaned over and kissed him. He kissed me back. So far so good.

Eventually, turned more heated. When I reached for the button on his pants he said, "Wait, Harper, what's going on?"

"I'm ready."

"Ready?" Ben asked not making a move.  "Ready for what exactly?"

Oh god was he really going to make me say it?  From the way he was looking at me it looked like he really was.  "I want us to sleep together. I've thought about it. I want to. I love you," I said.

Ben looked shocked, which had not been the reaction I was hoping for.  I had been going for excited, thrilled, maybe some desire thrown in may a lot of desire thrown in?  A girl could hope.

Ben shook his shock off quickly and his expression turned into the wicked smile that I had learned to love, then his face fell almost comically.  "I love you too, but I wasn't expecting you to say you were ready. I don't have any condoms. I wasn't expecting to have sex with you today," Ben confessed.

"I brought some and I went on the pill a month ago," I answered.

"You are amazing," he responded, smiling again and pulling me to him and kissing my neck. I ran my hands up his back. His mouth found mine again and his hand traced my body. I wrapped my arms around his back, kissing him and pulling him down on me. I loved the feeling of him pressed up against me.

Ben said. "You do know it will probably hurt?"

"I know but I want this. I want to be with you. Now," I told him.

. . .

Lying with Ben afterward, I smiled as a very random thought crossed my mind. I turned to him, "I was just remembering the conversation Kinsey and I had when I asked her to help me find a partner who could help me pass computer class."