How You Get the Girl

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In

Ben texted me and called me all weekend. I did not answer.  I could not face talking to him.  I could barely eat or sleep.  I spent all my time painting.  It had always been my escape and now I threw myself into my canvases.  The ache in my chest would not go away.  Every time I thought about Ben my eyes would fill with tears.  I was so angry with him that I wanted to scream at him but I also wanted to hold him and beg him to tell me that it was not true and that he had not done this to me.  So, I said nothing to him.  I ignored his calls and texts.  I stayed in my room and painted.  I dreaded facing him on Monday but Monday still came.  

I dragged my self to school and snuck into my first two classes, mercifully avoiding Ben.  But I knew I had to see him during our block three computer class. I did not go into the classroom until just before the bell rang and I sat across the room from our usual desk.  I refused to meet Ben's eyes all throughout the period.  However, after class my luck ran out.  As I rushed to leave the room, Ben tried to come up and tried to speak to me.

"Harper, will you please just talk to me?" he asked.

"I can't. I just can't," I said. I wasn't ready to talk to him. I was still trying to figure out what I felt, what I thought. Why had Ben never told me he had a girlfriend? And what had been going on between us during that month we had spent hanging out as friends? It was all too confusing. I wasn't sure what to think. Was Ben just another player like all the guys I knew? I liked him so much. I knew what I wanted to believe that he was different but could I trust Ben? I did not know if I should. He had still had a girlfriend just days before we had gotten together.  What would have happened if I had kissed him a week earlier?  Would he still have kissed me?  I felt my eyes start to tear up so I put my head down and just ran, leaving Ben behind me.  

On Tuesday Kenzie tried to talk to me.

"Harper, the thing with Ben and Clare was over  . . ."

I cut her off, "Kenzie, I really don't want to talk about Ben and Clare."

"Are you ever going to talk to him?" she asked.

"I don't know," I told her. And I really didn't know.  I had thought he was a nice guy that I could trust but had I been wrong? Was he really just one more jerk like Seth or Michael?

. . .

It was Friday and there was one more Computer Game Design class to go and then I could avoid having to see Ben for an entire week. Spring break was about to start and I was going to Florida. Ben was going to Hawaii. We wouldn't even be in the same time zone. Maybe it would hurt less if I was further away from him.

Computer class felt endless. By this point in the week, even the freshman boys had figured out something was wrong between me and Ben. You could tell they were not sure what had happened, or who was to blame, so they just sat there, looking bewildered and staring from one to the other of us and whispering. It was annoying.

I got through the 55 minutes in the same room with Ben. Ben, who did not even seem to notice I was in the room anymore. He had given up trying to talk to me on Wednesday. I had heard nothing from him either on Thursday or today. All class he had just quietly typed away on his computer, completely focused on what he was doing. Did he not like me anymore? Had he gotten back together with Clarie? Had they ever even really been broken up? Why was I going through hell when he seemed like he could care less? I could not focus on my school work. I had not been eating or sleeping well. How could miss someone so much but still be so angry at them? It hurt just to think about him. All I could see when I closed my eyes was Clare saying that she was his girlfriend.