I walk alone

-The First Step of Grieving-

All I felt was numb.

But then again the numbness did in no way stop the pain. You would think that the level of sadness in your life has a maximum quantity. That however was proven false as I lay on my bed drowning in a deep suffocating depression. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of him, but how could I not be when I had six years of memories with him? I looked at my nightstand and saw the small purple teddy bear he won for me at a carnival when we were seventeen.

(flashback)

"Katlyn, hurry up! I want to play at least ten more games before dark!" Christian yelled to me as he wheeled himself along in his wheelchair.

A month ago his doctors had demanded he always stay in a wheelchair because he was too weak when he walked for long periods of time.

"Christian baby slow down! Your going too fast!" I told him as I dodged my way through the crowd.

All around us happy teenage couples were walking hand in hand, I was always so jealous of them. They didn't have any real problems, their every day fights consisted of wether or not to go to so-and-so's party. They had no clue what pain was until they saw the love of their lives slowly wasting away in front of their eyes while they stood helpless at the sidelines.

Shaking my head to clear out the negative thoughts I focused on making Christian happy, no one really knew when he was going to die. Just that it was probably going to be sooner than later. I saw him stopped in front of a small game tent and smiled as I saw it was the impossible milk bottle one.

Christian had a knack for the impossible. To him nothing was impossible, no game was too hard, no selfless act too big. That was just how he was, a bundle of can-do.

I stopped right behind his wheelchair and smirked at the unsuspecting worker. The worker droned on in his dull voice how to play the game and the rules. He handed Christian the balls for him to knock down the bottles and didn't think twice of it, because he probably has never seen anyone knock them down in his whole time working there.

Skillfully, Christian threw the first ball and it whizzed into the bottled knocking down three, the worker suddenly became more intrigued. As he prepared to throw the second ball he looked at me.

"This ones for you, baby." He whispered blowing me a kiss

I smiled so wide that I swear if I opened my mouth any wider it would split open. He threw the second ball and it knocked down two more bottles, at this point the worker was in awe. With the final ball and the final bottle Christian was prepared. Christian and I used to spend days at booths like this trying to figure out the physics of it all. He threw the ball at a slight angle and hit the bottle with so much force it flew off the table.

The worker ran a hand through his greasy hair and mumbled "pick a prize" with wide eyes.
Christian automatically pointed to a miniature purple bear and handed it to me.
"For you, my love." He said with a wink

(End of flashback)

As I clutched the teddy bear to my heart I cried out tears of frustration.

Why did you have to leave me? What happened to forever? I love you

I wanted to hate him, I wanted to curse him out for leaving but I knew it wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault he had cancer, it's not like he wanted to die. In fact most nights I'd wake up to him crying out in fear of his future. We never talked about those nights, because I never wanted to bring any attention to his soon to be ended life.

I just missed him so much. I missed his sea foam green eyes from when we first started dating. Over the course of his chemo his eyes got really yellow and red, he looked so sickly. It broke my heart to see him looking so weak and helpless. In his last days he was bald, yellowing, always wrapped in a blanket or two, and in a wheelchair. But, even in his worst days he would still find the energy to smile at me. He'd grin and say some cheeky comment to me, that's why I was still in love with him after all those years. Not because I pitied him but because he was the most courageous, strong person I'd ever met.

"Katlyn!" My mother called while knocking on my door.

Wiping away my tears and sniffling I answered with a soft "come in"
As she walked into my room she saw me wrapped in one of his blankets with my red puffy eyes. She walked up to me and sat down. As she lifted up her hand and began to rub my back I couldn't hold back the sobs.

"Mommy, I miss him." I whimpered

"I know, and that okay."