pain and pacis // gawsten ddlb

-part 18

Awsten woke up from his light slumber alone. He called for his boyfriend who was nowhere to be found. Awsten held Sweetie, his faithful stuffed animal, tight.
"I'm scawed!" Awsten whimpered to the toy dog.
"Everything will be okay, Awsie," the toy seemed to reply.
"'S not! Daddy's gone!"
"You'll always have me!"
Awsten smiled through his waterfall of tears. "I will, Sweetie!"
The boy rocked back and forth. "He's all gone... he left me... oh, I miss him! Where is he?"
Awsten placed himself in front of the door, shaking and blubbering on the wooden floor.
"I's is alone!" He wailed.

Awsten was quite certain that Geoff had ditched him, because who would want to stay, anyways? He rocked back and forth while squeezing Sweetie as tight as possible. All of a sudden, the door knob twisted open. Geoff was met with quite a scene- Awsten bawling on the floor while grasping Sweetie for dear life. He dropped his groceries and dashed to the crying boy. Awsten flung Sweetie to the ground and embraced his boyfriend harder than ever.
"What's wrong, Awsie?" Geoff cried.
"I fought you weft me!" Awsten wailed. "Was so scawed! Whewe wewe you?"
"Shh, shh. It's all gonna be okay. Didn't you see the note, my darling?"
Awsten cocked his head. "Note?"
"I left it on the counter for you." Geoff stroked his hair comfortingly.
The boy sobbed even harder.
"You can always call me if you don't know where I am, okay, princess? I was just getting groceries."
"Don'- don' wike being alone..."
"I know that, sweetheart. I needed to go, though."
Awsten's sobs reverberated around the house. "Y- you'we mad at me!"
"Oh, of course I'm not, baby! Why?"
"Cuz I'm annoying!"
"You're not at all, my pretty baby. I was just shocked, that's all."
"Don' wanna bother you..."
"Hey, button?"
"Mhm?" Awsten grabbed Sweetie again and hugged him hard.
"How were you able to walk over here?"
Awsten shrugged. "Dunno! I was scawed so I wan awound wooking fow you and- and you were gone! All gone! Ad-adw... I can't say it daddy!"
"Adrenaline?"
"Mhm!"
"Well I'm back now, honey bee. Let's go color, yeah?" Geoff ruffled Awsten's hair.
Awsten nodded. "Sippy and paci?"
"Of course, my lovely. Let's bring Sweetie, too."
"Yeah!"

Geoff rose up and held his hand out for Awsten to take. Awsten informed him that he could not get up, to which Geoff sighed playfully and picked him up. After putting the groceries away he handed Awsten his requested items, plus a coloring book and crayons. He also brought over a set of washable markers.
"Hey, sunshine. I bought you something," he informed the boy as he set down the items.
"Ooooh, what is it, daddy?"
"Markers. If you ever wanna hurt yourself, draw on your arms or legs or wherever you wanna."
Awsten beamed. "Tank chu!!!"

After about 20 minutes of coloring, Geoff let out a loud sigh.
"What's wrong, Geoffy?"
"Oh, don't worry about it, button. I'm just nervous to start my job. That's all."
"Don' worry, daddy! It's gonna be okay!"
"Aw, thanks, bub. I'll keep a picture of you in my wallet to keep me company."
"Hehe, I wuv chu."
"Love you."
Awsten added some scribbles to his drawing before insisting that Geoff come over and close his eyes. Once he obeyed, Awsten shoved his drawing into his boyfriend's hands.
"Dwew it fow youuuu!"
"This is so pretty, baby! The most prettiest dino I've ever seen!"

Geoff reached out to ruffle the boy's hair, but frowned when Awsten flinched.
"Sowwy!" Awsten cried. "Fought I was back thewe fow a second... I'm scawed!"
"Oh, angel- You're okay. You're safe in my arms, alright? I'll never lay a finger on you to hurt you."
Awsten nodded and allowed Geoff to embrace him.
"I'm gonna twy- try to slip outta little space real quick to tell you something."
Geoff squeezed Awsten tight. "Go ahead, princess. I'll always listen."
"Ok. So," Awsten began, "I noticed in my relationship with him that I go through phases of hyper-sexuality and being not sexual at all. I have a feeling that I'll go into intense little space during the latter. Like right now, I've noticed my PTSD became more prominent, which is why I pushed you away. I didn't mean to, I just kinda go out of it and I forget who I can trust, no matter who's close to me. I did it to Lyss a lot after really bad nights where I'd get hurt bad. I don't appreciate you any less during these stupid times, my brain just tricks me for a sec. I still want you to give me head pats and kisses, it just might take a second for it to register. If I ever push you away it's not because of you.
"Sorry for the rant. I've got a lot to say. On the topic of PTSD, I think I mentioned this before, I'll become super little, like I've been doing today. Sometimes I'll need to be helped into little space or reassured that everything's alright. When I'm in little space more frequently, I usually become less sexual. Hopefully that doesn't... like... deter you from me. I don't need you or love you any less when this happens. Sometimes I get SUPER needy and clingy, and other times I drift away. But I always want you and need you and love you. Hopefully that made sense. Sorry for how long I was talking."
Geoff squeezed Awsten tighter. "Sugar, I know it's a long road and it's hard. I know there'll be rough nights when you aren't feeling like you wanna talk or do anything. Just know I'll be there, through thick or thin. Hyper-sexual or asexual, I love you all the same. I understand that there's gonna be times when you don't wanna snuggle or spend time together and that's okay. I'll always be here for you. I'll always love you. I'll tell you every day if I need to. Be little all you want, baby, because if it's gonna get you through these times, then I love it even more. I'm your caregiver and you're supposed to trust me. So I'll make myself worth trusting."
"I love you so much," Awsten declared. "You're the best in the world. I have absolutely no clue what I'd ever do without you."
"I love love love love love you. My life would be awful if you weren't in it."
Awsten giggled and hid in Geoff's chest.
"Let's put on your jammies, okay? Then we can snuggle and you can draw me a turkey for Thanksgiving."
Awsten nodded and made grabby hands towards Geoff, who picked him up and helped him into his pajamas.

Since Awsten would be in little space more often, the two decided to make a set of rules to hang on the fridge, written sloppily in crayon:
No swearing >:(
Bedtime is 10 PM at the latest!!
No talking back to daddy!
Say pwease and tank you!
No being mean!!!
Be a good boy <3 :)

"Wow, bub, those look so good! Your handwriting is so so pretty."
"Tank chu!"
"I'm going to go to bed soon, okay, angel? I'm very tired."
"Imma come wif you! I wanna snuggle!"
"Of course."
Awsten grabbed Sweetie so that the toy wouldn't get "eaten by monsters." He fell asleep soundly in his boyfriend's arms.

Awsten woke up early on the chilly Thanksgiving morning. Geoff had already gotten up, as per usual, and he unlocked his phone next to him to see a wall of text.

Geoff: Happy Thanksgiving, sunshine! I'm sending this to you so that it's the first thing you see in the morning. These past couple months have changed me for the better. You're so sweet, lovely, compassionate, caring, and the list goes on and on. Your little smiles and giggles always brighten up my day. I never want you to be sad. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can say that very confidently. I love every you, whether it be little or big you. You always make me happy when I'm down and I can never thank you enough for everything. I'll never leave your side as long as you don't leave mine. I love you ❤️

Awsten reread the message over and over, tearing up.

Awsten: omg, i love you so so so so much!!!!
(✿ ♥‿♥) you makes me the happiest little boy ever ever ever! i can't thank you enough for taking me in and helping me get better and dealing with me ≧◡≦ you're the best boyfriend in the world and you take care of me and i wuv chu! happy thanksgiving
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ u saved mai life <3333

Awsten hopped out of bed to the best of his ability, taking his phone and Sweetie with him. He ran, despite his soreness, and hopped on Geoff's back from behind.
"Happy Tanksgivin'!" the boy proclaimed.
"Woah! Happy Thanksgiving!" Geoff laughed, hoisting Awsten up higher and situating him.
"I wuv chu!" Awsten giggled. "Check youw phone!"

Geoff moved back so that he could place Awsten on the counter and get his phone out. He opened up his texts and gushed at Awsten's reply. The boy swung his feet, which had frilly white socks on. He, with a giggle, squeezed Sweetie tight and brought his sweater paws to his mouth. Geoff ruffled Awsten's hair and repeatedly told him how much he meant to him.

The two sat and ate their pancakes while making cheerful conversation. Awsten ranted about how much he loved frilly things and princess and pink, to which Geoff listened happily. After eating, Geoff helped his boyfriend into pink thigh-highs, a pink skirt, white tee with a rose-colored bunny on it, and ebony Mary Jane shoes. Awsten went on and on about how he felt like a princess, and how he wanted to rule a kingdom.

Dinner came in no time, and soon the pair was sat at the table. Awsten noticed that Geoff's eyes seemed less lively than usual.
"Are you okay, daddy?" he inquired as they ate their Thanksgiving meal.
Geoff brought his head up and quit playing with his food. "Yeah, I'm all good, bub."
"You'we not," Awsten insisted.
"I'm just missing my family, that's all. It's my first Thanksgiving without them."
"You should have gone and seen them!"
"I would, doll, but it's not that simple. I don't know if they want me to come home."
With a mouthful of mashed potatoes, Awsten cocked his head. "Why?"
"Well," Geoff sighed, "there's a reason I moved out. They're not too happy with me."
Awsten had come out of little space. "Geoff, you're killing me."
"It might be too much. I don't want you to hate my family," the older boy pointed out.
"You don't need to tell me," Awsten cooed, "but I want to listen."
Geoff took a deep breath. "I broke up with my first boyfriend because my family didn't approve. They basically forced him away. I'm still on good terms with him, it's just my family that the problem lies with. I'd began thinking of moving away months before I did. If I came over, they'd treat me like shit. I decided enough was enough so I moved to California, where you can be whoever you want."
Awsten looked at Geoff sympathetically and rubbed his thumb over his hand. "God, Geoff, I'm so sorry," he said softly.
Geoff's face brightened a bit. "I have you, and that's what I'm thankful for. You keep telling me that I saved your life. I didn't. You saved mine,"
"I didn't know how much I meant to you," Awsten smiled warily.
"When I say you're my world, I really mean you're my world."