Sweet as Honey 「Sakata Gintoki x Reader」

Chapter Nineteen.

Gintoki stands at his bedroom door with his hand frozen in front of the handle, hesitant on whether or not to open it. He's dressed and physically ready to leave, but emotionally he's struggling. 

"What am I doing...?" He mumbles with an empty laugh. 

"She wouldn't want to see me again after what I said." He turns to go back to bed but pauses when he hears Kagura speak quietly from the other side of the door. 

"I think you should go, Gin-chan."

He takes a sharp breath in. She's right, he should go. Otose was right, too; "It'll only be harder for both of you if you don't."

Gintoki squeezes his eyes shut and inhales, holding his breath for a moment before letting it go. He opens his eyes and slides the door open, walking past Kagura's quiet figure and towards the door, where he slips on his shoes and leaves. 

His body automatically walks to the house he visited countless times, his mind not even needing to think about directions; his heart beats fast in anxiety as he treads closer, closer, closer. There it is in front of him; (Name)'s home. 

He walks to her front door, suddenly well aware of his shoddy appearance, messier-than-usual-hair and swollen eyes, and he freezes, his thoughts racing. He takes a deep breath, trying to rid himself of the thoughts, and knocks on the door. He hears her familiar voice call out quietly, "Who is it?" and his breath hitches, unable to function after hearing the same voice he heard replaying in his mind for the past three weeks. 

He hears footsteps approach the door and as the door slides open, his eyes briefly meet hers before she slams the door shut, causing his heart to clench. "Go away," he hears her mutter, sounding like she was choking back tears. "I don't want to see you."

Gintoki fights back the tears that threaten to come to him as he calls, desperation lacing his words, "Please, let me talk to you." He's met with silence. 

"It's been three weeks," comes a soft reply, "you could have come before if you really wanted to talk."

He has to really fight back the tears. "I know, but I didn't think you'd want to see me." 

"I don't."

"Please." His final word comes out broken, his forehead leaning against the door. He takes a moment to stop his voice from breaking. 

"I just... I just want to talk to you again."

What feels like hours pass by, though Gintoki knows it must be only minutes, before the door finally slides open and Gintoki lifts his head up, his eyes yet again meeting those of his ex-lover, whose eyes are almost emptier than his own and twice as swollen. She takes a breath. 

"Come in. I don't want my neighbours to hear this."

She slides the door shut behind him, leading him to sit on her couch. He has to swallow hard to keep his emotions from showing as he looks at the couch, remembering all the times they sat on that same seat and cuddled, napped, tickled each other, laughed with each other. He forces the thoughts away as he sits delicately on the couch, watching her bring him a small cup of tea, though he can't bring himself to drink any.

She sits beside him on the couch, a heart-breaking yet understandable gap between them. Silence sits in the air until she finally asks what he wants to say and he bites his lip, placing the tea down on the table in front of him. 

"I...I wanted to apologise." He watches her lips tense, holding back a reply. 

"For everything. Every time I got mad at you, every time I yelled at you, everything I said, I, I didn't mean any of it."

He feels tears coming to his eyes as he chokes back a voice break. 

"I hate myself for it. I hate myself for saying it and I hate myself for not coming to apologise earlier but I was so goddamn anxious that I'd push you even further away and I couldn't bear that." He takes a breath. 

"You had every right to be concerned. I was taking stupid jobs and taking stupid risks. You showed compassion for me when I didn't think I deserved it and I lashed out in the worst way possible."

He squeezes his eyes shut, his hands forming fists in front of him. "I hate myself most of all for saying that shit about not wanting you to be my girlfriend. God, I fucking hate myself. I never meant any of that. I don't know why I said it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He lets a few tears drop, hiding his face in his hands. "I'm sorry." He whispers, voice breaking. 

He hears (Name) sniff back a sob a few moments later, his eyes slowly looking at her with tears still dropping from his eyes to see her crying, too. She wipes her eyes with her palms. 

"I'm sorry too. For everything." She chokes. They sit quietly, the only noise coming from their quiet crying as they try to calm down. 

Once they've stopped crying, Gintoki looks her in the eyes, more emotion flowing from him than he thought possible as he whispers, "I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry."

She bites the inside of her cheek, refusing to let more tears fall. "I love you too."

She interrupts him before he can speak again. 

"But I don't know if I'm ready to be your girlfriend again."

He feels his heart break. He always knew that might be the case but, deep down, a part of him had been hoping, praying that she'd try again anyway. 

"I understand." He mutters, a bittersweet smile on his lips. 

"I... I should go."

(Name) watches him stand up and walk to the door, her hand moving to stop him but her body refusing to move. He pauses for a split second at the door and then slides it open, leaving without another word, not knowing that back on her couch (Name) held her hand over her mouth and sobbed after him.