Oh daddy. It was always going to end up this way. I knew it from the start. The splendid years of happiness we had enjoyed were forgotten in a heartbeat, a snap of the fingers, in the blink of an eye. Everything we'd experienced vanished and wiped from memory. Never to be recollected again. It's a shame, when someone grows old, they often like to cast their minds back to their childhood. Cherish the memories and the people they once were. That experience would never be pleasant for me, sadly.
We were both fighters, although you were better than me. You'd fight with mummy and I'd fail to fight the voices in my head. I'd be sent to my room and left to hear you bickering. The crashes I heard came from the kitchen. Mummy would be sure to convince me she was perfectly fine, but I'd notice the dark bruise on her cheek, discretely hidden under the layers of foundation. ''Your father was just stressed, that's all,'' she'd oppose. It wasn't good enough to make me believe it.
I felt alone, with no-one to comfort me when my days weren't golden. I used to let my mind run freely, in a small world of my own. My thoughts were stopped abruptly, some new friends arrived. I wasn't going to be alone any more, my friends were always with me. I was grateful to start with, they'd cheer me up when I was down. I let them tell me what to think and feel, my feelings and emotions were in their hands. The voices seemed trustworthy, I prayed they were.
You were never there when I needed you, daddy. But I forgive you. I wasn't the perfect child that you had wished for. I was a waste of space, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was... worthless. That's what you told me. It's OK though, the voices have asked me to come and play. ''Come and stay with us, you useless little girl. We promise you'll never have to worry about anything ever again.''
I'd be told by teachers at school to ignore the voices, if ever they came to say 'hello'. But they leave you with so many questions. Millions of them, all hitting you like a wave at the beach. They make me question whether I am good enough. If I can take what this ugly world throws at me and if I can stay afloat in the flood after this never-ending tsunami of horror.
Years later, we were still stuck together like glue. They annoyed me at times, but I attempted to block them out. They speak to me, daddy; they are reassuring at times, telling me there's somewhere better, somewhere made for me and some place where the sky is always blue. Oh, how I wish the sky was blue here. From time to time, they're cruel. Some of them give me nasty remarks which replay in my brain. They're demons in my head. Demons which roar louder than a hungry lion in search of pray. They call me names and leave my head pounding. I can't remember a time I didn't have a headache.
The voices are getting much louder, daddy. They taunt me, toying with my brain. They lured me into their trap and locked the door, throwing away the key, not interested in where it landed. My head hurts and no drug, not any substance can cure the numbness that I feel everyday. It feels like a war is taking place inside my head and my weapons are too blunt to fight this battle.
Now here we are, stood on the edge of a cliff. Time appears to have stopped and I can finally breathe again. The view from up here is mind blowing. The clouds engulf the sky and it looks like a white blanket of fluff. The beach below is deserted and I am alone up here. No-one to pressure me, no-one to make me feel blue and worried. I look down and the waves brutally crash against the cliff face, rising higher each time they wash ashore. The sea is intriguing. It appears so blue on the surface, yet the deeper you go, the more you find out. It looks gorgeous from a first glance, but so deadly below. Everything looks like it's under control, but you couldn't be more wrong. The sea is like me. The air isn't thick any more, it's fresh and chilly, as it hits my cheeks and makes me feel icy cold. The voices which once haunted me, seemed to have disappeared and everything was tranquil.
This is it now. My foot is hovering and the voices are telling me to do it. I know mummy will be shocked that it's come to this. Of course I don't want to hurt her, I don't even want to hurt you. I don't really know why I'm saying this to you, daddy. I guess I just want to be 'Daddy's little girl' and for you to hug me and tell me that it's OK. That being scared of the voices is natural and that they'll go soon. I know that won't happen. I know that a hug would mean everything to me, but nothing to you.
Daddy, one little move and it's done. The voices won't return again and I can begin to dream, like I did when I was a little girl. No stress from teachers moaning about revision, no violence at home, nothing. Everything would be beautiful. The world is a very loud place and could be silenced rapidly. It's that easy. I apologise for not being pristine and perfect, I wasn't built that way. I'll leave you now, I'll get out of your hair and fix one problem that has been in your life for fifteen years. You don't know how sorry I am; I'm so sorry, daddy.
You know what they say, 'I'm not going to fall, I'm going to fly.'
A/N: I love to write and this was a piece of English homework. I know it's quite deep but that was what it was supposed to be like. I was Skyping my friend Rosie and she told me to upload this, so here I am... uploading.
I'll probably just write and upload a few of these monologue things whenever I feel like it :)
