And There Was No One Left - Changlix

2. Why

This can't be happening.

This isn't me.

I felt like a fool. It just doesn't make sense.

Something is changing deep inside me. Not in like love, but hate. Hate, my heart is filled with nothing but hate, sorrow, and him.

I wanna fucking kill him.

But I can't, of course. But I really want to know if I would feel better if I just, you know killed him. In his sleep.

No, that's not me.

The following day.

Not again.
I have to wake up again.
A-fucking-gain.

I changed my clothes and packed in everything I needed for university.

This time I'll go.

I wanted to eat breakfast first, but bitch, do you really think I can? After all that?
I can survive without food.

I just need him.
Wait, what am I thinking? Him? I need him?

I don't.
That's what I told myself at least.

I arrived at university.
"I don't want to enter"
That was my first and final thought until I turned around and walked back to the bus stop.
Or, at least, I wanted to.

"Hey!"

Who's that?
Handsome guy that wears black all the time?
Or maybe
Him?
No, it wasn't.

"Who are you?" I looked at the boy. He wore a white polo with black pants. And black leather shoes.
The boy smiled at me.
H-huh?
"I'm Jeongin, also a student here. What's your name?"
He walked closer to me, and reached out his hand.
"Ehm, I'm Felix."
I shook his hand.
"Felix, are you alright?"
Why did he ask me that too?
"Is this a joke?"

Silence.

He didn't seem very happy with my question.
"I'm sorry."
I had to fix this, this silence, his uneasiness.
"I-it's okay, well.."
"Why did you decide to talk to me?"
"Felix, I saw you in the park."

Fuck.

No.

Why.

"I gotta go." I tried to run away but he grabbed my shoulder.
"Felix, I want you to trust me."

No, you don't.

"Felix, I'll never mistrust you."

You said.

"I-I can't." Tears were starting to fill my eyes.
"Why?"
"You won't understand." I tried to scatter but he grabbed my arm again, but this time, I slapped him.
"Leave me alone!"

I ran away.

I looked behind me.

He was crying.

I'm such a dick. How could I do that to him? Of course no one wants to be friends with me.
I don't want to be friends with me either.

I really am not myself.

16:30 pm

I haven't been doing anything. I fucking hate myself. I've just been laying down on my bed, and crying. Crying until my chest physically started to hurt. But even then I continued to cry, I felt my clothes soak up all my tears, while they dropped down my cheeks, my throat, my chest.

At one point I wanted to stop. Wanted to stop crying, because I knew damn well that it wouldn't change the situation.

Still, I couldn't stop. It's all his fault.

One hour later I finally stood up and changed my clothes, because I have to go to work.

I have to earn money too.
I just really didn't want to go.

I have to speak to people again.

Later I arrived at work. I work in a clothing store. I haven't eaten anything today yet, so I couldn't concentrate at all. The manager wasn't very happy.

At one point there were almost no customers, so I sat down on a chair and buried my face in my hands.

I felt my tears running on my hands, arms, body.
Why are you doing this to me.

"Felix, there's a customer, talk to him."
"Hm of course."

Fuck.
I just cried.
He probably won't notice.

Well, I was wrong.

"Why did you cry?"

It's that one dude.
Handsome and black clothes lover dude.

"It doesn't matter, can I help you with something?"
Why is he everywhere? Wait, is he stalking me?
"I want to know your name."
As if I would tell him.
"I'm Felix."
Shit I still did.
"Felix, why did you slap him?"
Wait, he saw it? This can't be true.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
He took a step closer to me and looked me right in the eyes.
"Why did you run away from him?"
"I-I didn't-"
He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt.
"TELL ME!"
"I-I was scared."
"Scared of what?!"
"Scared that the same thing will happen as before."
He let go of my collar, which made me fall down on the floor.
"You'd better come to university tomorrow."
"O-or what?"
I was frustrated. Angry. Sad. Hurt.
"Or I'll find you."

20:00 pm

What does he want from me?
Does he know Jeongin?
I feel bad for what I've done. I should apologise to him.
Tomorrow.

It was still early, but I didn't care. I went to sleep

After a few hours I woke up. I'm really hungry.

But I didn't want food.
I needed something else.

You shouldn't have left me.

"Please come back." I spoke out loud.

"I need you."

"I need love."

The next day

I didn't sleep. I wasn't tired. Even now I'm still not tired.

Actually, I am. I'm exhausted. My thoughts, my head, my feelings, my heart, they all have made me feel exhausted.

But sleep wouldn't help.

Only him.

I gotta go to university.

Handsome guy told me to. And I have to apologise for what I did to Jeongin.

I looked in the mirror.

I'm a mess.

Can I punch myself?

I walked to my closet so that I could choose some clothes to wear, but then I saw it.

His jacket, it's still here. It still glistened, like always. He would always wear this jacket when he came over to my house. "I don't have any other jacket okay."

I really liked that jacket. I really did.
But now I hate it. It's full of disgust.

I'm gonna destroy that jacket.

Not yet, though.

I walked to the bus stop while thinking about what to say to Jeongin.
Did I tell you already that I'm terrible at apologising to people?
"I'm sorry."
"I hope you'll die, Felix."

"I hope you will choke once."

I arrived at university.
I was looking for handsome guy and Jeongin but couldn't find them. When I wanted to enter university, I heard someone.

"You're finally here, Felix."