Endless Love

Chapter Five

Sarah's POV

I had never felt so numb and out of control of a situation in my entire life. This was all my fault. I should never have reacted like that, it isn't even her fault. She's got a disease, why on earth did I have to punish her for it?

Our eyes met on the staircase and she turned rapidly away from me. I began to cry again and my mother tried comforting me, but it didn't help. I had to make this up to her but I had no idea how. Mom went upstairs to try and get Grace to come to the living room to talk, but she said that she had got no reply and I honestly didn't blame her. Of course she wanted to be as far away from me as possible, I hurt her. Badly.

I sat up nearly all night in hopes that she would appear for something, anything. I wasn't quite sure what because I knew damn well that she wasn't about to come looking for food. In fact, I was pretty sure that I had made the situation even worse, she was only going to try and hide it from me even more now.

The next morning, I woke up on the couch and heard Grace and my mom talking in the kitchen. I decided that going and joining them wasn't a good idea, but I moved closer to the door to try and hear what they were saying

"Gracie, please just talk to her. Even if you fight it out, just talk to her"

"She hurt me Grandma. She hurt me and now she has to pay. Not only for that slap, but for all the times she left me. All the times she left, even when I cried for her and begged her not to go. She has to pay for all of those times. She finally has to understand what's it's like for the person who you love the most to ignore you. That's what I've had to do my entire life" I heard her voice crack and I knew that she was struggling with this. I had broken my little girl.

I started walking towards the kitchen thinking that maybe trying to face this head on would make it better, but as soon as she saw me she walked away, even when I called her name.

This went on for 3 days, including over my birthday.

The morning of my birthday I woke up and felt miserable. I knew that Grace hated me still and under no circumstances did I want to celebrate my own birth, I was a horrible person. I was greeted by my mother who hugged me and said happy birthday. I saw some presents on the table from her, but I quickly told her that I didn't deserve anything and that I was going to just keep to myself today. I needed reflection time and time to think about how I was going to make this up to Grace. I just didn't know how.

Grace's POV

17th December 2013. Mommy's birthday.

We hadn't spoken for 3 days. At first I was glad she hadn't approached me, because I wanted her to feel like shit, she fucking deserved it. I hated every inch of her for those first two days. But waking up on her birthday, I was just sad inside. I had planned so many nice things I would do for her, but now I didn't want to, it meant nothing anymore. Instead I sat in my bed thinking about how she could feel like I did the year of my 10th birthday when she was away, filming a fucking Christmas movie.

~Flashback August 2010~

I woke up on my birthday and jumped out of bed, Mommy was coming home today. She had told me she was flying back in time just for my birthday and then she was leaving again the day after.

Running downstairs, I bumped into Grandma

"Morning baby, happy birthday. Watch where you're going. Why you in such a hurry?" she laughed

"Where's Mommy?" I asked bouncing up and down in anticipation "Is she here yet?"

Grandma looked nervous "I'm sure she'll be here soon, honey. Now go and get dressed and I'll make you a birthday breakfast"

I waited all day for her to come, and she didn't. Every second my heart believed that she would walk through the door and have her arms wide open for me to run into so she could wish me a Happy Birthday and be there with me.

Instead, all I got was a phone call at 7:30 that evening

"Hey Baby Bug, I'm so so sorry that I couldn't be there today. Filming has been crazy busy. I miss you so very much" she said

"Mommy I wanted you here with me" disappointment laced my voice "All I wanted for my birthday was to see you"

"I know baby, im so sorry. It's just Mommy couldn't get away from filming. I'm so sorry"

She was off filming some Christmas film about a sick kid. I felt jealous of how those kids had had her all to themselves and I was stuck here all alone

"Oh..." I wiped a tear from my face and swallowed hard "Thank you for my presents, I really liked them" my voice cracked a little towards the end

"No problem, Angel. You know I'll buy you anything you want"

But it wasn't stuff you could buy that I wanted. It was her.

I went to say something to her to continue the conversation and make the most of just hearing her voice, but she cut me off before I got the chance

"Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry I have to go I'm needed for a scene. I hope you have a lovely rest of the evening baby and I'll see you very soon. I love you" she said

"Love you too" I mumbled and then the phone went dead

She hadn't even wished me a Happy Birthday.

I didn't really feel like doing much after that. Grandma suggested that we watched a film, but I told her that I was done with my birthday, I wanted it over now. Instead, I went upstairs and curled up into Mommy's bed and moved the pillow so I could pretend I was hugging her. I grabbed her perfume off of the dresser and sprayed a little bit of it and laid down. If only this was really her.

~ ~

She would never understand the pain I had felt that day. Until now.

I locked my bedroom door and peeled off my pyjamas. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the cuts on my wrist and on my hips. I had been doing okay on my own for so long. I had been handling it in my own way. Why did she have to come back and find out about it? Although, jokes on her because she still didn't know that I was cutting. Jesus, if she found out I was doing that...

I jumped in the shower and then put on some clothes. I walked over to my desk and opened the draw, exposing the card I had made for Mom.

I felt so angry, I had spent so much time making a card for her, buying presents for her and making little envelopes with everything that I had planned for us to do together today. She always had to ruin everything. I tried so hard to please her and I never could. My mind started whizzing around with a million angry thoughts and my heart started beating so fast. All I ever wanted was for her to love me enough to just stay and be with me, that's all I wanted. I never wanted the expensive clothes, or the newest toys or even private school, I only wanted her all the time all to myself.

I wanted to scream, but I knew that would cause issues, so I walked to the bathroom and grabbed the razor cutting deep into my skin. But it didn't feel like normal, it didn't relieve the pain like normal. I had to keep cutting, deeper and deeper, until suddenly I felt light-headed and the room began to spin. I looked down and saw masses of blood pouring out of my arm and the next thing I knew I was passing out.