A Way Back Home | Adopted by Gerard Way (Book Two)

I Walk A Lonely Road... (28)

*trigger warning: self harm*

My back against my bathroom door, my knuckles as red and stinging as my forearms thanks to my own fingernails, the words play over and over in my head: Your case might just be fucked up.

And it's all my fault.

Once again, I've ruined everything, and this time not even Gerard can deny it. He can't swoop in and save the day this time by throwing around reassuring words and aesthetic Tumblr post-worthy quotes.

And he has nothing to apologize. The flooding of texts he's sending me doing just that are worthless and the constant buzzing of my phone on the floor is beginning to get on my nerves.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you Eve."

"Please come back."

"You still have a solid case I shouldn't have said that."

But he did. He did say that. And he did yell at me. There was genuine frustration— I dare say anger— toward me flashing in his eyes. I'm surprised I didn't spiral into a panic attack then and there.

I clean up the cuts littering my arms and pull my sleeves down to my fingertips. When I finally unlock my bathroom door after shoving my phone into my pocket, my room is no longer being flooded by any natural light. It's dark out. I was in there for a long time. I didn't even try to stop myself from tearing my skin to shreds, the feeling being pumped through my body like a drug to temporarily forget everything that had just gone down.

The darkness outside also tells me that I've skipped dinner.

After combing through my hair a few times, I push open my bedroom door painfully slowly to avoid drawing any attention to myself. But, alas, the first creak on the staircase sends Gerard just about flying out of his office.

"Eve," he says, breathless, "Are you alright?"

"Fine," I state without turning to face him. I continue on my way to the kitchen. "But why do you care?"

I hear his footsteps on the stairs behind me. "I'm so sorry I yelled at you, okay? I shouldn't have done that. None of what happened is your fault."

"Don't lie," I say casually, opening the fridge as soon as I enter the kitchen and searching for something to eat. "You already said it yourself, my case is fucked up. That's my fault."

"Eve, please listen to me, you didn't do anything wrong. If anyone's to blame it's me."

Somehow, Gerard blaming himself makes my blood boil. Can't he see how that doesn't help? How it's just a plain lie? How everything most definitely is my fault and always has been? Starting from the very beginning. If I hadn't been such of a hassle as a child my mother wouldn't have given me up in the first place and I wouldn't be the burden I am today.

I slam the fridge door and everything inside rattles. "That doesn't even make sense! Quit blaming yourself for my stupid mistakes like you always do. I know you blame yourself for not noticing how sick I was when I was fourteen, but that's not your fault. And you blame yourself for how shitty I've been feeling recently because you're always busy, but that's not your fault either. And you can't blame yourself for my court case falling apart either, because that's on me. It's all on me, it always is!"

"But, Eve, it's not—"

"No, don't even try. You always say the same things. You always try and make me feel better, and sure, it works for a little while, but I always go and fuck something else up. So save your breath this time."