Cornerstone Revelations (completed)

.5

announcement: tasteful smut ahead, enjoy ;)

It had been four mornings since Sirius woke up in Remus' bed. Which meant that Lily, James and Sirius had already spent over a week on the island, and only had two weeks left. And Sirius' wedding would be in 48 days. All of that math meant that when Sirius returned to Scotland, there would be 33 days until his wedding. And Sirius was really dreading it.

He hated the thought of saying 'I do' to Adelaide. He hated that she'd be stuck with someone who'd never really love her, and that he would be bound to someone who he didn't really love for the rest of his life. Once or twice so far since he'd been on the island, he let his mind drift and he'd imagine a life spent here. Usually he imagined himself with Remus, for some reason Sirius was absolutely captivated by him. But he didn't let himself indulge for long. The more he thought about a life different than the one he'd be forced to live, the more he desired one.

He and Remus had spent very little time together since the Sunday they kissed in the study and the Monday night they spent holding each other in Remus' bed. They didn't even sleep all that much. Sirius talked about his feelings towards the wedding and Remus finally told someone about all the shame he felt regarding Josephine.

Eventually Remus dozed off, and when Sirius was sure his snores meant that he couldn't hear him, he whispered "you're all I've ever wanted and all I've ever needed." And it was the truth. Sirius somehow knew that if he chose to stay here with Remus, he'd be completely happy. Remus would be his everything.

So what was holding Sirius back then? He didn't want his father's money, really. He could probably find work on the island or maybe he could start his own business. After all, he had a degree in business and engineering. And Sirius was pretty handy. He could fix bikes or patch roofs. Sirius knew that a life away from his family was a possibility, so there had to be something else holding him back. An insecurity that he'd never be good enough for someone who chose him. Adelaide had to stay with him, and that was just it. Sirius was afraid of being alone. And he hardly knew Remus. That scared him too; the uncertainty. Sirius had his entire life planned out for him for as long as he could remember. And he wasn't brave enough to pursue happiness if it meant uncertainty and lack of stability.

But there was one thing Sirius wouldn't do: hurt Remus. The kiss they shared felt right in the moment, but looking back, Sirius knew that it was inappropriate. And sleeping in the same bed was a guilty pleasure that Sirius wanted to do again and again. They didn't even have sex. It didn't even come up. The words they shared were even more intimate and exposing than sex would have been. Not that Sirius didn't want Remus like that. But he knew that neither of them was in the right headspace to consent to it then. If Sirius and Remus did end up making love in the next two weeks, it would be surrounded by a different feeling. One less sad and pitiful. Sirius wouldn't accept pity sex from Remus. If they had sex at all, it would be vibrant and passionate. If they had sex at all.

The kiss and the bed sharing made Sirius feel guilty enough because he knew exactly what he'd be doing. No matter how much Sirius wanted Remus (which was a lot) and Remus wanted Sirius (which Sirius didn't know entirely, but was also a lot), Sirius couldn't cross that line and then leave Remus. It would kill Sirius to have that connection, just to leave it. As selfish as it was, Sirius wouldn't let himself have Remus.

//||\\

Remus knew exactly what he was getting himself into. He liked the bluntness of it all. The fact that Sirius told him on the first day about his engagement. For some reason that made it all feel okay. There was nothing hidden. No secret to reveal that would leave them both broken hearted, only time could do that. 14 days. 13 nights. 13 mornings. 2 more Sunday's (if you counted today, which Remus did because was going to be special).