Right There: A Story of Friendship

Chapter Five

When I came home I turned the corner into the living room and saw my mom and dad sitting on the couch with my sister. They all looked like they had received terrible news. I dropped my bag on the coffee table and prepared for the worst. Suddenly the nursing home and sea shells and Matthew slipped from my mind. I came back to reality.

"What's going on?" I asked nervously. My dad looked up at me.

"Your mom's lupus is active again," he said. Instantly it felt as if my heart dropped all the way down to my feet. I did not want to hear this. Although I had a feeling it was coming. All the extra Advil, the sleeping all day, the vacant weak look to her eyes. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together.

"Oh Mom," I began, walking over to her and falling on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry,"

"Don't cry, honey," she said, holding back tears. "We're going to get through this just like we did last year."

I desperately hoped so. If this flare is anything like the last one I don't know if I can cope. It was so scary watching her be so ill, barely able to get out of bed or do anything without pain. Or watching her be so weak and sick from the chemotherapy treatments. I don't think I'm ready to watch it all again.

I sat there on the couch lost in thought for a moment. My dad asked if I wanted to talk.

"No, I think I'm gonna head up to my room," I said as nicely as I could through the tears welling up. I quickly went to my room and shut the door, falling on my bed. Why wasn't I more supportive? Why did my entire body feel so numb? Why couldn't I have said something more comforting to my mom? What was wrong with me? I wondered all this as I cried into my pillow, trying to keep my sobs as quiet as possible. I didn't want my family to know how badly this affected me. They needed to know that I was strong. I had to be strong. Once more. But I was scared to death.

I spent the rest of the afternoon holed up in my bedroom. In my bed. My pillow had a few damp spots from where I cried into it. I didn't even feel like eating. I remembered I hadn't even eaten all day too. It was like my entire body shut down. All I could think about was my mom and lupus and sickness and pain. How all of it would be a part of our lives again. I wished with all my heart I could trade places with her, but I knew it didn't work like that.

My little sister tried to get me to come out of my room, but I didn't answer. I didn't want her to see how the news affected me. I wanted to be strong for her, and for my parents. I had to wipe my tears and put my game face back on. So I got up, composed myself, and went downstairs.

I saw my parents sitting at the kitchen table and my sister on the couch watching TV. My mom noticed me and asked me to sit down with them.

"I want to tell you something," she said as I sat down and wiped my face one last time.

"I know this is really scary, but we will be okay," she began. In the back of my head I rolled my eyes. I wanted to say, "No, mom. We aren't going to be okay. You're going to end up in the hospital again and dad is going to have to work more and I will have to sit here and watch our lives crumble like they almost did last year!"

I sat and listened.

"We're going to find a way. We just have to keep faith," she said.

Faith. I hate that word. Faith is what let my mom get sick in the first place. If faith worked as much as people say it does, why was my mom sick again? Why did she even get sick in the first place?

"I know, mom, I just feel-" I stopped myself before saying anything more. When I am emotional I usually say the stuff that is really on my mind. And what was on my mind wasn't what I wanted my parents to hear. "Shocked."

"I know, honey," she said. "But I am going to do my best to get better again."

"When do you see the doctor again?" I asked her.

"Monday," she replied. That was just two days away. I was relieved by that, so if there is anything generally alarming she will get it checked early. Although Lupus is a very silent disease, and it can attack any tissue or organ of your body without any initial sign. That is what makes it so dangerous.

"Do you need any help with anything tonight?" I asked them. "Dinner, anything?"

"That's super kind of you, Riley, but I got it under control tonight," my dad said. "Don't worry."

I did my best to smile and then I sighed. I wish I could tell them how all of this really makes me feel. But I didn't want them to have one more thing to worry about. I knew they had enough on their plate. And I didn't want to make my mom feel bad. She was already so strong through her beliefs and faith, I didn't want to shake that. Even though I had no faith myself.

Dinner ended up being pizza. Not my favorite, but much better than some weird Pinterest pasta dish my dad tries to replicate. Even though his last attempt was good, it wasn't something I wanted every night. I hung out in my room that night and ate dinner in bed. I wanted to sit at the table with my family, but I was super tired and hungry from the day I had. I just wanted to be by myself.

As I was on my bed eating and writing in my diary I thought about Matthew and the nursing home and everything that happened earlier. I made sure to jot those events down because I really did have a good time with him. I was shocked at how pleasant the nursing home was, and how interesting some of the residents were. Elizabeth and her gardenias and Vera the crazy lady. Then when we went to Matthew's apartment I was surprised by how nice his aunt was and how fun it was to go through a box of sea shells. I always knew you could make jewelry from shells but I never actually saw the process of it. It was very fun.

Thinking about these things brought a little bit of happiness to my heart again. Somehow the jagged edge of my mom being sick again lost its power at least by half. I thought to myself that I seriously hope I would see Matthew again. But then I wondered what it would mean if I did. Maybe this guy wasn't such a weirdo after all.