Midnight poetry because I'm a sad bitch

Disgusting

I'm disgusting, I won't even lie
I bite my nails and suck my thumbHave spots and then I pop them
I know they're all gross habits But I just can't stop. I guess they reflect me in many ways, as in:I'm not funny, I cause arguments without even realising until I see the aftermath of my actions
I take things to literally even though I expect everyone else to not take me literally. And I'm the best worst procrastinator. I know they're all gross traits
But I just can't stop. I see my habits aftermath in day to day life. My stubby finger nails and misshapen thumb
The face full of what my mind sees as ew when I look in the mirror.
I see my traits aftermath almost instantaneously. people not laughing at my jokes, me getting upset that they don't laugh.
Not laughing at their jokes because they hurt my feelings but expecting them to when I do the same. I'm a walking hypocrite.
My maths homework and chemistry test all due tomorrow that I've had a week to do but now it's 11:11 and It's a mixture of me not having the effort and not wanting to.
But what feels the worst that I manage to cause almost all the time is "You have to love her she's your daughter" and my mum refusing to say I love you back when I tell her how she upset me. Is it fair that I'm the reason that happens?
Because it hurts my heart. It's what I think about when I try to sleep.
My guilt.
The guilt of did i accidentally betray my dads trust, the only one who tries to show me they love me and believe in me.
And should I feel guilty for pointing out that my mum made me cry.
And should I stop arguing with my brother because I'm guilty that one day he won't love me anymore
Or that I'm guilty that one day I'll piss off my sister so much that she'll genuinely hate me
And i end up feeling like I should be more respectful of people even if I couldn't get more respectful or if they don't deserve my respect.
But im stuck in a cycle.
Rinse and repeat
My actions and thoughts don't change no matter how much I think.
I'm still stuck in the circle
It's disgusting
I'm disgusting
I hate me.