♦️Joúe's book of Thoughts♦️

Point of no return

I'm at a point of achieving no return...a point where I question my own existence. The push back against the world's common norm I guess you can call it resistance. I have the words but I cant speak. My mind is on a run it just CAN'T SIT! HELP me please? Eyes yet I still can see. Is there something wrong with me?

I feel I'm too far out...I always knew I was some kind of way ever since I was a sprout. Thing got worse when my boss ordered me to eliminate a human target one day. I said I don't think you understand...that's shit is one way. I'm human so it doesn't give me the authority to call lights out to someone's light of day. He said be a man and I said you cant be serious you must be nuts...I mean training is different but putting a round in someone's gut? You must be bluff.

Now this is where he pushed the boundary... he said "you better pull that trigger or else imma drop you n your family." Now normally I shoot back but with my family on the line I had no Choice but to kiss ass. So I lined up my shot going through everything I was taught. I was a little scared but I remembered when you make a hit for the government...most times the shooter never gets caught. Now I'm in my moment of zen...of peace like a normal person about to kiss his fling but I'm about to squeeze a trigger. I have a 130 kills but those were all dummy targets now this...this was the real thing...the real deal. It's not always about the shot but something you feel. News flash people....IM ABOUT TO MAKE A KIL...CLICK!!

Now most people were expecting a bang but as much as I love close encounters...long range shots just hit the spot like sex on the kitchen counter. I lost my humanity that day...I lost my mind. Something broke I didn't know what it was all I know is the person I became can bring my own mother to tears. That moment I hit the point of no return....no concern for people I dropped all I know is I kept flying with my kills like an afterburner. Once that photo hit my desk I'd rain down on them like a ghost...one shot one kill always did the most and what's terrible I even dropped people that were in connection with the holy ghost.

Its always...dont ask questions just do as you're told. Follow the mission to the end no matter how cold. You're warriors protecting the innocent. Yeah I killed for you...got blood on my hands for you. I did the dirty work while you sat in your FUCKING OFFICE! The things I do for my country. All for what expense...do you know how that shit affects me mentally. I transitioned from human being to killing machine...you try it one day and tell me how it feels to be haunted by nightmares and ghosts from the people you popped. You drove me to the point of insanity...some of my brothers in arms are suicidal recks trying to make the pain go away by placing a bullet in their head or their chest with the same firearm you told them to use to take out the enemy's best. I mean people are addicted to drugs or alcohol...I'm now addicted to something I cant recover from cause it's for a noble cause. So what if I get a 21 gun salute and my family is give the old red whit and blue when I go out...I wanna be human...I wanna live but it's too late now...I'm beyond the point of no return.