Memory

Grandma Hair

I take a sugar cookie from Livvy's jar. She holds it out grudgingly to Loki, who denies it.

I bite into the cookie almost excitedly; I missed cookies and it's been a long time since I've had one. And I survive on them--

It's made of dust.

It feels like a pile of ash in my mouth, plain, tasteless.

So I guess I can't taste food. No cookies, then.

My face falls as quickly as it brightened, my lower lip trembling. I bite it to keep from crying.

STOP CRYING, STUPID. YOU'RE SUCH A CRYBABY. PATHETIC.

Yet a tear rolls down my face as I put the cookie down.

And another, and another.

But I wipe them away before Loki or Livvy notice.

And I suffer silently.

(Yes, I am well aware this part^ was overly dramatic, but it was much sadder when I imagined it in my head, just because death has taken away from Mavi something that she loved. Except if I had put that in as part of the story, it would be WAY TOO dramatic. So I didn't. But that was the motivation for this scene, even though no one asked.)

(+)

I hug the pillow, lying on Livvy's sofa. I would have stayed in her room like we used to, but I want to be alone for now.

It's around 4 AM and Loki is staying in the guest bedroom while Livvy is asleep in her own room.

I try to not make any noise when I toss and turn over and over, burying my face in my pillow and trying not to scream from anger, frustration, nervousness, sadness, numbness, grief.

I bite my lip and walk into the bathroom to wash the traces of dried tears off my face.

That's when I see something in the mirror that catches my eye.

A streak in my dark hair. A white streak amongst the black.

My skin has gotten greyer than it was before. The eyes that were once a vibrant blue are now a dull grey-blue, fading.

In conclusion, I look like shit. Feel like absolute shit, too.

I tiptoe out of the bathroom after washing my face and curl up on the recliner. When I trust myself not to be so loud as to wake someone up, I let a few tears slip free.

But when it rains, it pours. And soon tears are pouring from my eyes and I'm sobbing quietly.

I walk out to her balcony and sit, watching the car lights in the streets far below me and the bright city lights that are still on, despite the time.

My tears slowly stop and I sit there, rocking back and forth on my heels and gazing out at the view. I can see Stark Tower in the distance, but the darkness of night covers any sight of the damage done earlier today.

I hear someone clearing his throat behind me.

"What do you want?" My voice is hoarse, shaky.