read this if. . . | takigawa chris yu

i'm sorry

Chris didn't know how to tell Shino about his diagnosis. he didn't know if there was ever going to be a good time or a good way to tell her, but he should have told her as soon as he found out. that part was on him. and if she didn't forgive him for that, he understood.

he made his way to her house after school on a chilly Friday night. he knew she would be home alone. even after all these years her family's schedule hadn't changed. her father was at work until seven, her mom until seven-thirty and her brother until ten.

he knocked on the door at five-oh-three. she opened the door at five-oh-four and, after they got settled in the living room, he told her the news at five-thirteen.

she didn't know how to react at first. she stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth and he was already so close to crying, he almost left right then and there.

his throat constricted and heaviness set in in his chest. his eyes burned and he broke down as soon as she buried herself into his arms.

"i'm sorry," he said quietly, hot tears streaming down his still cold cheeks. "i wanted to tell you earlier but i- . . i was scared." it was so unlike him to cry, Shino couldn't even get mad at him if she tried.

"oh Chris," she whispered. "it's okay. i'm not mad at you. i could never be mad at you." she rubbed his back gingerly, cooing softly into his ear.

he tried taking deep breaths to calm down, but those only served to make him cry harder. he felt so pathetic. Shino wasn't even crying and here he was, sobbing like a baby. he needed to get a hold of himself.

but he couldn't. every time he tried to, his mind went back to the fact that he was dying and he would leave this world barely nineteen and before he really got to live. he would only be able to be here and love Shino for a year, if that. he wouldn't be able to have a family and become a professional baseball player nor a physical therapist. he had a time stamp. and that was scary.

but finally, when he felt incredibly tired and all cried out, Shino pulled away from him slightly so she could look him in his red, puffy eyes.

"Chris, it's going to be okay. it's gonna be okay." it sounded like she was trying to reassure herself too, at that moment, and that almost sent Chris back into his crying fit.

"i better go now," he said, shuffling away from Shino so he could stand up.

"oh, no you don't. sit back down, you can stay here for the night. it is Friday after all." he tried to muster up a smile, but it was forced and empty. his eyes, which were always so bright, didn't smile with his mouth.

"are you sure?" he asked. she smiled, but he could tell it was forced and that she was forcing it for him.

"of course, Chris. you can stay as long as you need."

so, she gave him some of her brothers clothes to change into and he crashed onto the couch. he was asleep before she even got to ask him if he was hungry.

Shino went to the bathroom, looked at herself in the mirror and she finally let out the tears she had been holding in since he told her.

her best friend was dying. she clenched her fists and banged them onto her thighs as she cried silently. she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater, but she didn't stop crying. every time she thought she was done, she took a deep breath, but her chin would wobble again and she would think about how she would have to go to his funeral and there she was, crying again.

she loved him. wether it was platonic or romantic, she didn't know. and she guessed she would never find out.

Shino took deep breaths, and when no tears came, she sighed and left the bathroom. Chris was still asleep on the couch, and she gently laid a blanket over him before grabbing one for herself and curling up on the chair beside the couch. she left only the lamp across the room on as well as the porch light. her parents would probably wake them up when they got home and the two would retreat to her room for the rest of the night.

she guessed she would have to talk to him about it more in the morning. and she dreaded it. but in that moment right, all she focused on was the rhythmic breaths he took and how peaceful he looked when he was sleeping. 

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haha okay so it took a bit to finish but here it is. kinda bad not gonna lie. but decent.

sorry its so short. im bad at writing long chapters.

there shouldn't be too too many more chapters. i think i might wrap it up soon. the ending is still unclear it could go two ways. i think i know what im gonna do so now all i gotta do is write it.

ill see you later!!! happy holidays from me to you!!