Ben.
He's been in my mind and I can't get him out, My mind can't decide on helping him or wanting to kill him. I no longer dreamed of the ocean or rolling fields, no longer dreamed of mountains of trees or gleaming ponds. I just dreamed of Ben Solo coming home and being with his mother, and being happy with life.
I dreamed of him. I'd never seen him so vulnerable when he offered his hand to me, he wanted us to rule together but I couldn't. I could never rule with a murderer, a liar, an enemy. He's killed so many for a useless goal, to impress his abuser. Yet, when he had the chance to leave the darkness behind...he tried to share it. Even in a tender moment, he chose power over freedom. I will never understand why, not until I ask him myself.
I sat in my cabin on the desolate planet of Haika. Waiting on Finn or Poe to finally tell me some good news, if there was any at all. I laid back on my bed, sinking into the mattress and closing my tired eyes. I tried to think over my conflict with the boy. There is light in him, I know there is. But he suffocates such a beautiful light with the idea of being the Supreme Leader.
He killed Snoke for me, he saved me and wanted to be with me. But I couldn't let go of my hope for him and he knew it, he was destroying the resistance as he was offering me his hand. He believed I would abandon my friends and join the dark side. His lust for power often frightened me, as I would never take Kylo Ren's hand, the bloodied and cold hand that masked Ben's. I liked Ben's warmth, the comfort and light that seeped from his fingertips when he touched my hand. I would take that hand a thousand times.
The door to my cabin hissed opened and Finn poked his head inside, a strange look was plastered on his face. "Are you ok?" He asked quickly, I sat up in the bed and ran my hand through my messy hair. Trying to compose myself as my thoughts were interrupted.
"Yeah, I was just...thinking" I said quietly, he raised an eyebrow at me but quickly dismissed the thought he had.
"I have some good and bad news" he announced proudly, "the good news is, we found where captain Wef is" he said happily, I smiled softly and felt the weight of some stress leave my chest. "But...the bad news is, she's are in one of the most defensive First Order planets in the system. We can't take the falcon, the people will get too scared or we'll be spotted and shot down in minutes" Finn explained, an obvious look of unease on his face.
"Then what do we take?" I asked, he motioned toward the X-Wing hangar. I rolled my eyes in annoyance, why X-wings?
"We go individually, it'll be risky but we don't really have a choice. The people there aren't allied with the first order, but they definitely favor them over the resistance...If we can get captain Wef back here, we have a better chance at everything" he said with a hopeful tone, "more allies, more weapons...even more systems" he informed me. I nodded my head in understanding and Finn walked away from my room, leaving me alone again. The idea of flying solo was almost frightening to me, i didn't know why but I disliked the idea of flying alone.
I know the resistance needed Captain Wef, I would just have to put my fear behind me.
"Put your fear behind you?" A voice called, I gasped loudly and I whipped my head around. I was terrified as I saw Kylo Ren standing right behind me, almost touching me. I choked on my breath and my whole body trembled. He doesn't scare me as much as he had before, but the fear I felt in my soul when Kylo stood before me was still there, as it seemed to never fade.
"You can't hide from me, Rey" he buzzed, his menacing mask making his voice sound deep and altered, "Never from me" he added softly. His words echoed in my heart, as they were charged with malice.
"Don't speak to me!" I spit, I tried to make myself sound strong but my voice faltered through the sentence, making my dismay apparent.
"You don't have to hide it, I feel it too" his said in a strangely soft tone, "you're...fear." There were moments like these all the time, where Kylo would sound or feel exceptionally kinder or more vulnerable. He almost sounded sincere, but Kylo lingered beneath that kindness, something I couldn't ignore. It made Rey's compassionate heart jump with joy every time she heard it, but the realistic side of her knew he was luring her to a mental trap. "I can feel your fear" Kylo said tauntingly.
"I'm not afraid, especially not of you" I lied, his entire existence intrigued and terrified me. Kylo shook his head and pointed toward me, the quick motion made me jump. He taunted me, made me feel like I lacked in strength compared to him. But that's exactly why he hated me, I was more powerful than him. But he knew how to get beneath my skin.
"Do you think you can hide in Luke's shadow your whole life? The old man is dead, he was weak. Just as you are" he spit, his words were like knives to my ears and my soul.
"I'm not in his shadow-" I started to argue, but my words were cut short as Kylo continued to berate me with insults.
"Yes you are" he interrupted, "You use his saber as if it's yours. You read books about the republic like it can be born again, like they can save you. You pretend to be in the light to please my mother but I can see right through it" he hissed, "I see right through you" he sang darkly.
"Liar!" I said weakly, my voice breaking as small tears of pain filled my tired eyes. He shook his head slowly, lowering his finger from my face. His very stature frightened me, as he was exceedingly taller and much more intimidating.
"No...you are the liar" he snapped, taking a small step toward me and narrowing the space between us, "you lie to yourself every day, you lie about who you truly are-"
"Enough!" I cried, but he continued relentlessly, making me feel a painful pressure building up in my chest. It was rage, it was hatred for Kylo. He was using my emotions against me, I should resist but it felt easier to hate than ignore.
"Why fight it? Why hide with my mother when you could embrace your true power here...with me?" Kylo said softly, I stared at him, my heart thudding against my chest, "Just give into who you truly are-" he said sweetly, but his soft tone just sounded like a betrayal to me.
"I don't know who I truly am!" I blurted out, the amount of regret that washed over me was painful. Why did I say that? my face turned beet red as the confession i just laid out struck Kylo like a blast from a rifle. He took another step toward me, his shoulders no longer tensed and his fists no longer balled. The hatred I felt lingered, but the urge to scream and rip him shreds disappeared.
"You feel it too, the darkness?" He guessed, my eyes averted from his. I do not feel darkness, I refuse to believe there is darkness within me. Yet, I admit to being uncertain about the Jedi ways. After Luke told me what truly happened the night the temple was destroyed, I questioned Luke's judgment time and time again, but Luke admitted his faults, Kylo, however...has not.
"Rey, we could rule the galaxy together...you and I" he offered, I looked up from the ground and I could sense the desperation within him, it made my stomach turn. "We're connected you and I, a bond in the force that hasn't been seen in centuries," he said softly, as though trying to make me feel important or special. He knew one of my weaknesses was my loneliness and how I just wanted a place in the galaxy, he was using that desperation against me "Think of what we could do together-"
"I will never join you" I hissed sadistically, ruining any hope he had of recruiting me. I stood from my bed and stormed from my room, abandoning whatever bond let us speak and see each other. I hated it, I hated this connection we shared. Seeing his face only pained my soul, as it became clearer each day that Kylo Ren wanted my power, but Ben Solo wanted me.
I rubbed my eyes and tried to recenter my attention to the mission, I had to find captain Wef.
A/N:
Please read my new story "Vanquished Darkness"!!
