Just Love Me

Chapter 18: Soul Searching

Chapter 18

"I know you've got a little life in you yet / I know you've got a lot of strength left" Maxwell - This Woman's Work

The room was eerily cold and sterile. Goosebumps scattered my arms. My legs outstretched and spread into stirrups shook slightly. I was ready but not ready at all. I glanced around the clean white walls. I knew Sparkle was in the waiting room to comfort me afterwards but I wished she were holding my hand.

I put both hands on my stomach, sighing. My heart pounded erratically. I wanted to go home. Alone.

The doctor opened the door and greeted me. He reminded me of Dr. House and that creeped me the hell out. He snapped the blue gloves on his hands while explaining to me the procedure. I nodded, without making eye contact. I felt like I was suffocating. Like all the air was hitting me in the face but nothing was making it to my lungs.

I bit my bottom lip to stop tears from falling from my eyes.

The doctor smiled, "It's perfectly normal to cry." I wiped my misty eyes, apologizing. He picked up a syringe. "You're going to feel a small pinch when I numb your cervix."

I tensed at the thought of a needle. Although, I did my research, the actual thing was a totally different experience.

He pulled his mask to cover the bottom half of his face then spread my legs out wider. Tears poured down faster. The quicker I brushed them away the quicker they fell. I hiccupped and coughed as I struggled to breathe. The doctor politely waited for me to calm down but it was rough.

"I'm sorry...I can't. I-I can't." I sat up, gasping for air. "I'm sorry." I paused to breathe. "I can't do this."

The doctor sighed in aggravation. I never meant to waste anyone's time. I thought I was strong enough. But I'm weak. The doctor excused himself while muttering under his breath. I rushed to put my dress back on and hightailed it out of the room.

Sparkle sat in a chair cross-legged reading a magazine. I ran over to her and sat in her lap, bawling. She gently rubbed my back.

"Aww honey it's okay." She whispered while rocking me like a child. I didn't care that people were probably staring at my grown self, crying hysterically. I didn't want this baby but I couldn't go through with that procedure. It was the worst crossroads of my life.

Sparkle held me for another ten minutes until I calmed down enough that we could leave. As we were leaving I saw Chelsea entering. My tear stained face couldn't deny what I was here for and her own facial expression told me she was present for the same reason.

We stood in the corridor staring at each other. I didn't know what to say. What could I say? She looked helpless and lifeless. Not the loud talking teenager who is usually in my office. I held my arms out to her and she immediately fell into my embrace.

"I feel so stupid," she confessed in a shaky voice.

"Me too."

"You warned me."

"I should've taken my own advice."

"Elle I can't do this."

"Chelsea me either..."

"Ahem," Sparkle cleared her throat loudly. I chuckled and released Chelsea to introduce them.

"Sparkle this is Chelsea; Chelsea this is my friend Sparkle." They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. I told Chelsea to call me if she needed anything or just to talk then watched her walk solemnly up to the front desk.

I sat in the passenger's seat of my car with Sparkle in the driver's seat. I had to take a moment to breath and think.

And think some more.