Move On

Move On : Letting Go

ONE

Katie sat silently on the slightly textured cobblestone ground that was overlooking the vast green gardens of spring.

I sat beside her and watched as she said nothing, just blankly staring into the distance, transfixed for the longest second.

The blank expression she wore on her face and her bloodshot red eyes were telltale signs that she had been crying all day, all week, all month.

Tears welled up in her stunning pale blue eyes, now marred with a tinge of redness as she shut them tight, letting the tears freefall down her face soothing her, comforting her.

Her blonde curls were slightly disheveled because she hadn’t bothered to brush them today, nor did she yesterday or the day before, for the matter of fact.

Katie tucks a lock of curls behind her ears as they fell over her eyes, covering them momentarily.

She tried desperately to hold back the tight knot in her throat but failing to do so, started gasping and choking loudly as sorrow got the better of her.

Katie’s eyes blurred again as tears started spilling across the cobblestone ground, leaving little puddles of tears everywhere.

I watched Katie continue to sob her heart out but I don’t say a word, just content with being by her side in hopes of being able to ease her hurt, even if it was just a portion of her pain, I would gladly tear it away from her beautiful soul.

I turned away so I couldn’t see how bad Katie was hurting so.

I’ve taken to doing this, seeing since watching her hurt, let alone cry herself to sleep every single night for the past eight weeks, was eating me up inside.

Secretly, I hoped to myself that she would learn to forget about all that had happened between us.

But no matter what I did – what little bit I could do anyway – I couldn’t possibly alter circumstances nor could I help Katie get over this deep sorrow in her life.

I would if I could, because she knew (and I knew) that without a doubt I’d give anything just to see that beautiful smile of hers again.

I’d lay down everything I had left, and risk whatever just to see that wonderful smile of hers light up her beautiful face once more.

I felt a pang of guilt wrench open the deep hurt inside my heart, ripping open the gash of wound that just wouldn’t heal.

I looked up to see that Katie had buried her beautiful face against her knees and was crying so hard that her shoulders shook violently.

“Katie, please stop crying. Please. I love you, but you don’t have to cry anymore. Please stop, Katie. Please?” I begged and pleaded with Katie but she doesn’t hear me, and chooses to ignore my presence.

I wanted so badly for her to see that as helpless and tired and upset as she was, I was feeling the very same way too.

I ached badly to tell her that it’s okay, that everything would be okay eventually.

Somehow, I hoped that eventually would be here right now, just so that Katie would stop hurting this way.

It’s been so long since she’s grieved over our loss that I’m starting to wonder if there would ever even be an ending to this.

I’m startled out of my thoughts as Katie started talking to me, but she doesn’t bother to look at me.

I’m starting to get used to Katie ignoring me whenever I’m around her, so much so that she never ever acknowledges my presence.

I could tell that a small part of her was angry at me for leaving our relationship at a time so precious and dear to her heart.

I never meant to, but I guess it was fate then.

I watched silently as Katie began to speak amidst those sudden heart wrenching bursts of sniffing.

The poor thing looked so worn out that I almost wished she would just save all her thoughts in a glass bottle and shut them up tight.

I didn’t wanna know anymore because the reality of knowing how she really felt about this was almost like adding salt to the wound.

It stings, and it stings real badly.

Instead Katie ignores my feelings and tells me out loud that whoever said time heals, never knew that time only kicks you when you’re down and never lets you truly forget about the past.

It serves as a constant reminder that she would never have me back the same way and that she feels so torn apart by this.

I whispered slowly, “That’s not true, Katie” as I felt a sharp dagger twist and stab in my chest, hearing that she was still not over it, and that despite all this time she never ceased to hurt every single second of every single minute.

“I only want us to be like we were before, Tyler. Just that. Nothing more, nothing less. Nothing else”, Katie says softly as if she was afraid that I wouldn’t wanna hear this.

Probably she was afraid that if she said it out loud, then she would have to admit to herself that despite anything that happens, her wish would never come true – not now at least.

The distance that separates us poses too big a gap to fill, that I just couldn’t love her the same way anymore.

We’ve gone through far too much to even be together again.

For the time being we’re caught in between a lifetime of differences, but someday...

Just someday, I hoped and prayed silently that we’d be able to love without barriers and whisper ‘I love you’ without having to cry all over again.

I held on to this very last promise and desperately hoped that time and distance would not change us in any way, or cause our love for each other to ever waver, much less fade into nothingness.

Katie seemed to agree with me as I saw that underneath those tears and the mountain of hurt that she hid under, she was brave enough to do something she hadn’t been able to do for the longest time.

As the cold wind blew across the darkening sky and the clouds started to disperse, making room for the stars and the moon, Katie felt a flicker of hope glimmer within her and a smile finally found itself across her lips.

I closed my eyes and thanked God that my beautiful Katie was ready to let go of all her pain and was ready to learn to love once again.

Most of all, Katie was ready to move on and as far as I know, my prayers were slowly but surely being answered, and I couldn’t help but smile myself, upon knowing this.

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