The Boy I Knew

Chapter Nine

Christmas is supposed to be happy, it's supposed to make you feel cheer. So why do I feel so.. alone? It feels like Larry left me all over again, even though I was the one who told him to get out so I could think. He shouldn't have gone behind my back like that, it was wrong, but he did it so he could see me again. Dad didn't know I was coming to NYC, so Larry couldn't have known either. I only told the ghost nabbers, that's it. No one else knew, no one else could've known.

I should try to sleep. It's four in the morning, Christmas day. I should be asleep. Happy. But I'm not. I feel alone. Completely and utterly alone all over again. But this time, there's no one to pull me out of it. Larry probably hates me. Brendan and I aren't exactly best friends.

Maybe if I actually decided to stop being an absolute twat and tried to get a date I wouldn't be alone right now. I could be under warm covers, surrounded by love. Who am I kidding, though? Everyone's too scared of me to actually try. All because of a fucking mask. It's not my fucking fault, I didn't have a goddamn choice!

It was only now that I realize I'm practically balling my eyes out. It's silent, only a few sniffles. Yet it's still Niagara Falls. I guess not having a dad you could trust was good for one thing, hm? So many restless nights, filled with quiet cries and even quieter pleads. Thanks, old man. That's one skill you taught me that I can actually use.

I leaned my back against my headboard, hugging a pillow close to my chest for some sort of faux warmth. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe the universe is punishing me- my face, my mom, my dad, my fucking sanity. It's all making sense now. This is what I was made for. Im simply a vessel.

A vessel where the universe can store all its darkest desires. The desires to hurt and destroy. I'm made for it. It's destiny. I'm not meant to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy.

...

I guess sometime durning my pity party of one I had fallen asleep. I wish I stayed asleep... not forever, but it's early as hell and I don't wanna get up. Yet, I somehow found myself with enough strength to get up, clip on my mask, and shuffle into the living room just to see the one person I seriously didn't want to.

"Morning sleeping beauty." Larry smiled softly. "You ok?" He asked, straightening up a bit. I sighed.

"Doooooooon't speak! Need coffee. Irish. It's five o'clock somewhere." I grumbled, dragging my feet across the floor as I hurried into the kitchen to get a mug. I snagged a mug and some whiskey, then poured the coffee and happiness into the ceramic cup.

"Since when do you drink?" Larry asked, sneaking up behind me, practically making me jump out of my skin.

"Since today. It's Christmas, the time for fuck all; a time where you don't have to care about anything. And that's what I do best! I don't care." I grinned sarcastically, patting his cheek.

"Is this about last night? Look, I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"Goddamnit Lar I haven't even taken a drink of my morning wake up call, and you're already trying to be serious. Can we PLEASE not do this now?" I begged. I started towards the living room before feeling Larry cling onto my sleeve.

"Jesus dude, soooooorry. Let's not fight on Christmas though? Like, can we go get drinks somewhere later? I wanna make it up to you." Larry smiled.

...'I wanna make it up to you'

I've heard that before. Now you might say, "oh Sal, does that mean you're not gunna go with him?" Fuck no. It's my life, and I'm gunna follow that beautiful son of a bitch everywhere.