The Frozen Rose

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Behind closed curtains

Elizabeth's hand slipped in William's as he wrapped his other arm around her waist. He had done this so many times before that it all felt very familiar. Yet is had been so long ago and they had both grown, that it was different than what he was used to.

He supressed a sigh of relieve when she stepped closer to lay her hand on his shoulder. Their chests were touching and their eyes were staring into each other's. Her hand felt calm and relaxed in his, but he hoped her heart was racing like his was.

He should not have asked her this. He should not have wanted to stand so close to her, for now that he could smell her and feel her, he also wanted to taste her and have her – all of her.

Mentally he shook his head. He should not hope for it. If he would try, it would leave him with a broken heart, for she would leave him and never want to see him again. But if he did not try, he was also left to wonder if mayhap she had changed her mind over the last couple of weeks.

They had not talked about their kissed a few weeks ago. William was too afraid to infuriate her again, while he assumed she was too frightened to admit that she was not strong enough to push him away sooner. Or was she too frightened to admit she liked it?

No, do not think of that. Even if she liked it – like he did – he still could not ask for more, for he knew that if he asked for more once, he would always want more. And if he would have her, he would always be left to wonder if she was telling the truth or not.

He hated how one mistake she made had made him think of her like this, but he could not have his heart broken another time around. He had hoped that she had forgotten him and started a new life with a new man. For if she did, he had to find a new life as well and he might give other women a chance. But when he returned and realized she was still the woman he fell in love with, free of marriage and worry, his mind could not stop thinking of her.

William cleared his throat, then looked down at Elizabeth. "I believe we shall have to pretend the music."

She gave him a beautiful smile, then nodded. He took the sign and started to move, taking the right steps for a Viennese waltz. His head was pointed over her shoulder, but he turned his eyes so that he could look at her.

Using the stage as their ballroom, William turned Elizabeth around it, making certain he used all the space they had. Her orange gown twirled around their legs as they moved about, the speed of their footstep in the same rhythm of his heartbeat. He felt her pose loosen a little as she became more comfortable being held by him.

Her body moved along with his, smooth and elegant like a professional dancer. But he had the feeling she was not fully giving the dance her all, like she was holding back. He did not dare think of why that would be, so he concentrated on the imaginary music and the speed of their steps. On her hand in his and her chest against him. On the heat that was building up inside him and his heart that beat faster with every step.

He was suddenly very aware of how close she was standing, for he could feel her breath on his skin. He noticed how they danced so well together, for they had done it so many times before. He noticed how his belly fluttered like it always had when he realized he was the one holding her. But his heart also broke a little when he realized he was going to have to let her go after this.

Mentally shaking his head, he concentrated on the steps again. Suddenly he felt she was slowing down the dance, and when he looked at her, he saw the doubt and uncertainty in her expression.

"What is the matter?" he whispered.

Her head shot up to look at him and she stopped the dance completely, but did not step away from him. With his arm still around her and his hand holding hers, he asked: "are you alright?"

Her eyes left his face and she shook her head. She looked at his shoulder and laid her head there to rest while she said: "we should not do this."

William swallowed. He did not want to agree, for that meant she would let go. But if he disagreed, then he would be the one lying. "Tis merely a dance, Elizabeth," he tried, but he did not even believe his own words.

She lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him. "You know that it is not just about the dance."

He nodded softly. It was about them, it was about standing so close to each other, about letting their minds go to places they shouldn't go. It was about losing control of themselves.

And since Elizabeth did not walk away from him, not even when moved his head closer to hers, he knew she had lost all control as well.

But he would not kiss her. He wanted to – o God, how much he wanted to. But he had promised her he only would when she allowed it, so left the kiss hanging between them, his lips vaguely touching her cheeks.

He wanted more. He wanted so much more than this – forbidden kisses followed by a painful cheek, the mere touching of her skin, imaginations of her kiss. But he should not hope for it. Not even when she was losing control, for she might be stronger than he remembered.

She slowly moved her head so that their lips came closer to each other. He did not stop her – o dear, he could not stop her. Their noses touched and he took a sharp breath, both fearing and loving what was to come next.

"We should not do this," Elizabeth managed to whisper, but it sounded like she had to say it to convince him, for she could no longer convince herself. And if she was hoping for him to be stronger, than she truly had lost control.

He felt her breath on his lips, and then he did not anymore, for he felt her lips instead. Her hands came up to his head and pushed him closer to him, pressing her lips harder on his.

His body moved instantly, bringing his hand to hold her head while pulling her closer to him with his other hand, so that their bodies were pressed closer to each other. He parted his lips and urged for her to do the same so that he could completely enjoy her and taste all of her. His heart beat faster and his hands could not stop moving. He wanted to caress every part of her, love every part of her, be with every part of her.

But too soon, her lips left his and he felt the air cold on his skin where she used to be. Her eyes were closed, yet William knew that if they were open, they would show regret. Regret for not being strong enough and regret for giving in. For now that they both had tasted a little of each other, they would only want more. And neither would ever be strong enough to withstand that.

William kept holding her in his arms while she rested against his chest. She did not want to meet his eyes, for that would probably make her kiss him again, and that would be wrong. Yet thinking that it would be wrong, did not seem to convince him completely. He wanted to kiss her like he had done before. He wanted to hope for a future like he did in the past. He wanted to tell the world she was his. And wished he had her forever.

But when he thought of a future with her now, he thought of doubt and distrust. He thought of the uncertainty of her spoken words. And he thought of the hate of their families.

They were not the only ones who blamed each other for their pain and broken hearts. Their families had to see their loved ones suffer through all of it and blamed it on the other one. For William, his brother and sister left him alone with his opinions, but his parents would not like it if he would restart what he had with Elizabeth.

Andrew had told him how she had suffered, and how it had darkened the mood even more than when it would only have been their father's death they were mourning. He did not think lady Anne would want vengeance like his parents would, but he was certain she would not make his life easy.

And although that was not the main reason for his choice of not being with her, he told himself he ought to not think of "what if". Those two words were only used for impossible things that people wanted possible, and he did not want to go into circle of self-destruction by always thinking "what if I never left her?"

William let Elizabeth go when she started to move, and watched her walk off the stage after she turned away from him. He did not stop her, for what was the point? He could not have her, and they should not give in to their uncontrollable desire.