I Can't Own You? (BOOK 1)

47 (NEW)

CHRIS

I hold Sam's phone in my hand feeling so whole hearted. I just saved lives by giving that heads up. I feel heroic. The trees around us rustle with increasing wind, as if a tornado is nearing. I eye the pond below us, as air waves ripples across it. "We could stay at a hotel if you want. You left because you felt unwelcome. I won't argue."

"No, I'll stay, I can't run from it." He tightens his hand in mine. His palm rough, and mines soft as a cushion.

"So, the jealousy bug got you, huh?" I kick at his leg, playfully. He doesn't find it amusing. I frown very animatedly at him, puckering my lips. "What's wrong?"

"I wanted to go out and talk about some things."

I lose my silly face and listen. "Okay, where do you wanna go? Out to eat?"

"You hungry?"

"No, but you haven't ate anything." I intertwine my fingers into his.

"I'm not hungry...I was, but then we started talking."

I swoop over and kiss him quickly. "That's hot." Sam laughs adorably at my being turned on, the sound shakes his chest and lights up my soul. "What do you want to talk about?"

The wind slows around us, calming down, going completely silent. That eerie, drop of a hat kind of silence. Not a bird is heard, not a car, nothing but the slight, and now soft ripples from the pond, nearly audible.

"I never told you who I cheated with..." A wince works Sam's face as he says this. He mentally prepares to speak, swallowing hard and stretching his fingers, which I hold. As if they were numb. "She was..."

My eyes widened. "SHE?! I've been picturing a guy all this time. I place my free hand over his hand that I hold. "Go on." I notice his cheeks are red...maybe from the chilly weather or the conversation we're having. "How cute was she?"

"Dark hair and eyes, big tits...if I was back in 6th grade, she would've been my crush." He cracks, smirking. I savor it, knowing that the look would fade away...which it does. Sam stares ahead, watching the cloudy sky in the distance; stoic and flushed. "I was getting coffee from Starbucks before heading to work. She was behind me, waiting in line. I felt her checking me out, so I turned around. She was feisty and bold, you know the type that says: "I'm down for whatever," with their eyes?"

"Oh yeah," I reply vastly.

"So, I said hey and she said it back, then I paid for my drink and left. At the time, you were hauling overtime like a machine. I barely saw you, we barely called or texted. So I was tempted to fuck her just to deal with our missing time. I also wanted to make you pay attention again." He takes a deep breath...not letting it out. "Anyway...before I could pull out and drive to work, she knocked on my window. I lowered it. She said: "I know this is random, but do you want to hook up tonight? No strings attached."

Sam still doesn't breathe outwards, I grow worried.

"My mind clicked, and I convinced myself that this is just a quickie...and that I need the fix. Then I froze up; I didn't completely disregard what we had, I still wanted you, at the same time, I didn't want to go to bed alone."

"Why didn't you tell me this?" My question escapes in a small, shallow tone.

He finally lets out the breath. "I didn't want to seem selfish. You were determined to save up money. That wasn't a bad thing. I dealt with it as long as I could...a month and a half. The loneliness was just too much. So I cheated. There were no emotions to it; the sex was just for release."

"Where did you two do it?" Sam tightens his lips, dreading his answer to my question. "Where...?"

His eyes venture to mine, apologetically. "In our bed...where you were missing from."

I part my lips, reminiscing. "I thought the couch...it seemed like the smell was coming from there when I got home."

"I could've got rid of the smell. I knew it would hurt you, still I left it." He wrings his fingers around my hand. "I was stupid. I'm sorry. I didn't know how to shut you down."

A few cars whip past the front of the house, adding whooshing sounds to the background. I watch him close his eyes and inhale. It took a lot of courage to tell me this. A crippling struggle runs through him concerning this whole ordeal. An unforgivable-ness. I lay my head on his shoulder, in the crook of his neck. I hear his scared heart pouncing underneath his cool, minty skin. "Thank you for telling me this,"

"I'll never do it again..."

"It's not just your fault. I only saw long work hours at the time...not our relationship. I had tunnel vision; there's selfishness on my end too. I came home late, went straight to bed, didn't talk to you, we had a dry spell. I woke up and repeated that schedule for weeks. I didn't ask how it made you feel; I didn't check in with you enough...or pick up on your emptiness. I was wrong too." I kiss at his neck, a long drawn out one; my mouth parts stickily from his skin. "I'm sorry."

"I love you." Sam's chin shifts downward to draw closer to my forehead.

"I love you."

ALSO

2020