I Can't Own You? (BOOK 1)

61 (NEW)

CHRIS

I'm not going to let him end the conversation like that...I deserve the truth, not half of one. So here I sit in the car, watching the sun peak, and waiting for Naka's Jeep to make an unlocking noise. It hasn't yet.

My mind replays his words: "If you stayed instead of running to New York, things wouldn't be this complicated!"

Is he butt hurt over me leaving? But he took my decision well...right?

A memory answers my question:

Twilight blankets a vacant park on a summer's night. Naka and I sit on the swings; mines wavers back and forth while his stays still. My star struck eyes watch his strong cheeks, his strong nose, his pale eyes. Then trails his hair that goes all the way down to his waist. Naka notices my observation and gazes my way. The wind brushes his hair back like a damn model, causing my jealousy to fuel.

"I fuckin hate you."

He winks. "I hate you too."

I observe his silky, bump-less skin. "You don't even use expensive products like I do, how is your skin so nice??"

Naka moves his swing over, close enough that our knees touch, then he leans in to kiss my nose. "Don't hate me cus I'm beautiful."

"No...you're more than that," I whisper, extending my neck out to slowly kiss again. Then I slide my lips along his, staring intensely into his hypnotic eyes.

"And you think you're not?"

"I'm cute," I reply casually.

"Try radiant."

I snicker. 'Not with these cheeks." I poke at my face.

"Yummy cheeks...both pairs."

I hit at his arm. "Stop, you nasty." But it's as if I didn't with my weak ass.

He finds my attack amusing "Oh yes, hit me again, baby." Naka moves his body in a dance.

"Shut up!"

"Make me." He retorts steamily.

"We're supposed to be having a serious talk."

Naka pulls my swing sideways and towards him, resting my legs over his like a baby. "Right...about how divine you are." His eyes sparkle.

"I'm gonna hit you again; this time, it'll be the face."

"I'll catch it...I'm good like that." He brags.

I feel his bare legs against my smooth ones...the hair on them low but rough. "Are you done?"

"Never." His playful demeanor disappears, his expression now concentrated.

"Stop with the flirting...we need to talk." Naka looks off in irritation, huffing.

At the time, I thought he was being dramatic as a joke; now, when looking back, he wasn't flirting when he said "never" as I had thought. Naka was serious and was trying to give me a signal. I was young and stupid...I didn't spot this.

"Talk about what?" His tone goes plain.

I take his hands and place them on my legs, palms up, and trace them with my fingertips. Even in the memory, I feel the electricity, the dependency. Only if I looked up at him instead of being shy...maybe I would have caught something to make me stay. My head hangs downward, looking down at his palms. "I'm leaving to New York..." I'm too frightened to look up at him as i begin.

"New York?" Naka says, caught off guard.

I nod. "I've been considering it for about a month...this is my home, but I feel I need to move on and try new things. I don't want to be the type of person who never leaves their birthplace. Who never goes anywhere else."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"I don't want to feel trapped."

He raises my chin with his thumb, stroking it. "You feel trapped?"

With me...I felt he wanted to add: you feel trapped with me? But didn't. Maybe this is another tell I overlooked at the time.

"Yes."

"Why?"

I sigh and rub his thumb which is still on my chin, slyly making eye contact every now and then. "It feels like nothing will change...like everything is on a constant...like life is scripted. I don't know if that makes sense. This place is my home, but to feel free, I have to leave."

Naka removes his thumb from my chin. "I get it."

Was this him thinking I was dumping him because he wasn't enough? Maybe...

"Do you?" I hear my clueless voice wonder.

"Yes." He gives a quick grin, hiding the sadness in his eyes. "You're growing, it's normal, I'm glad you are."

Oh fuck!

I snap out of the memory. He thinks I left because of him! Did I hurt his ego, his heart by leaving: "If you stayed here instead of running to New York, things wouldn't be this complicated."

Why didn't he say anything to stop me? He just closed up and agreed...I'm a mind reader. I took his words literal because his actions supported them. Even at the airport, he said nothing to warn me that he disagreed. We just hugged and said goodbye.

Then we lost connection a few weeks later. Oh, that...that was a sign. The lack of communication, yet I ignored it.

My head throbs from a racing mind and from lack of sleep. My eyelids go heavy. I need rest. I'm overthinking shit and looking for things to argue about. Naka doesn't want to talk. I yelled at him enough today. I'm not sure if he deserves an apology...that depends on tomorrow.

I watch my hands twist the key and start the car.