yikes

🌊 | 2019, a summary

if you've read the 2018 edition of my summary of the year, then you'll know my 2018 was pretty shit.

2019 was no better. in fact, it went further downhill, but with less friendship arguments and more depressing self sagas.

2019 was the important year after 2015. i had a big national exams that took place from september to mid-november. during the months building up to the first big exam, i was often disappointed and upset with myself to the point i toyed with the idea of suicide. i was constantly thinking negative thoughts such as "why wasn't i smarter?", "why can't i just score even a b?", and "why am i even alive?"

i had a crap ton of pressure which was both from my family and myself. as the eldest child of parents who managed to get into college (in their time, they were considered very intelligent) from two families whereby the other siblings didn't get into college or couldn't afford to. i was expected to be the smartest among all my cousins and my sister. however, during the preperatory and preliminary exams, i didn't get satisfactory marks and wouldn't be able to enter a single college.

my parents made it clear i had to attend college, no matter what. every time i got my results back which were full of c's and low b's, i'm always told i'm stupid, good for nothing, and other degratory comments. i was stressed most of the time and cried a lot alone. my mental health wasn't very good and i considered methods of suicide.

it's very easy to tell people "dying isn't the way out" and "be happy, because you're worth it". i've told multiple friends the same quotes when they weren't feeling particularly happy as well. however, when it came to me, it was hard convincing myself. all the negatives just outweighed the positives and life didn't seem very meaningful.

it's thanks to my friends, my pillars of support, who helped me through my episodes of negativity. they were the ones who fed me chocolate and candies, pushed me on, tutored me, gave me encouragement notes, and most importantly, was beside me every step of the way. so, to my friends who are reading this: i love you. i can never thank you enough. ❤

(some of you may be wondering: why didn't you tell your parents and asked for help if you were so unhappy? believe me, i tried. they never listened. they always said that i was 'just trying to find the easy way out' and ignored whatever i said. in short, they never supported me in terms of helping improve my mental health.)

2019 was by far the worst year i've ever had and took a toll on my overall outlook in life. i'm glad to have crossed the challenging hurdles and finally close that chapter and move into a new one.

my results for the final exams are getting released in 2 weeks, and i'll be visiting colleges and making my applications. the good thing that came out of my talk with my parents was that they were willing to let me go to a music college, which will definitely help when i'm applying to my desired music university. (if you're wondering: college and university isn't the same here!)

2019 was bad and i'm relieved it's over. here's to a good year and decade ahead 🥂

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